Operation: Genin Dance
by Persepolis130
Summary: The First Annual Genin Dance is a time for the blossoming of young love and ... punch spiking? Kissing jutsus? Streaking? Lap dances? And their senseis are behind it all? shikaino naruhina nejitenten leesaku shinotenten sasuneji...? and more! Complete!
1. Chapter 1

Operation: Genin Dance 

R (in later chapters)

Persepolis130

The First Annual Genin Dance is a time for the blossoming of young love and ... punch spiking? Kissing jutsus? Streaking? And their senseis are behind it all? shikaino naruhina leesaku nejitenten shinotenten and others

Notes: This is a new and improved edited version of this fic, now edited by my English major brother, Masked4Now!

I realize that my ages (14/15) for the kids are a bit off, but I think their behavior is more like what high schoolers would be doing rather than seventh or eighth graders, so I took some liberties. Also, I don't know whether Shikamaru should be a genin at this point, but I'm writing the story, and I love Shika, so he's in it!

CHAPTER 1

Hinata stood with her back to the punch bowl, knuckles white as she clutched her purse to her chest.

"It was so thoughtful of you to volunteer to help set up the dance," said Iruka, smiling broadly as he secured another balloon to a nearby wall.

"Th-thank you, Iruka-sensei..." Hinata managed, her down-turned face pale.

Iruka beamed. "Just like you to offer, you've always been such a sweet girl."

But Hinata didn't feel so sweet. In fact, her nervousness was starting to make her nauseous.

"I was a bit worried about how it would all turn out, this being the first time," Iruka continued, oblivious to her plight, "but it looks like everything is going to be just great."

Swallowing hard, Hinata gripped her purse even tighter and implored the powers that be for the eighty-seventh time that everything go off without a hitch.

"Don't worry, Hinata," the chuunin reassured, "you'll have a great time! There's nothing at all to be nervous about, I promise. And that sparkly dress looks so adorable!"

Hinata squeezed her eyes shut, adding her dress to her mental list of worries. She loved the rhinestones around the collar, but was it too much? Too sparkly? Too expensive? Did the style match her shoes?

Oh, this was awful! The dance was going to start soon, and HE was sure to be there...

Momentarily distracted by the thought of dancing cheek-to-cheek with dreamy Naruto-kun, Hinata almost missed her chance. Luckily, she noticed Iruka turn away from her to fasten a string of crepe paper.

Quickly loosening her stranglehold on her purse, Hinata swallowed against the nervous lump in her throat, taking a deep, shaky breath as she undid the clasp.

Quickly scanning the room with her Byakugan to ensure she wasn't being watched, Hinata reached into her purse with a trembling hand.

Don't look, don't look, don't look! she pleaded silently at the back of Iruka's head.

Using all the ninja stealth training she possessed, she pulled out the liquor bottle and quickly unscrewed its top, carefully pouring the contents into the foamy pink punch.

In her haste to stash the bottle back in her purse, the cap slipped from her grasp, and Hinata froze as it hit the ground beside her foot with a faint clink.

"Is everything alright, Hinata?"

"Oh! Oh, y-yes, of... of course!" she said as evenly as she could, sliding the cap under the table with heel. Did he see her? Oh, what would he do if he saw! She felt tears rise to her eyes as she looked up at her former sensei.

Iruka smiled another of his warm, open, vehemently oblivious smiles. "Truly, Hinata. Dances are fun! You'll see! Why, I remember a dance I went to when I was about your age..."

Hinata sighed with relief and smiled sweetly as she patted the empty liquor bottle in her purse, her nervousness subsiding to its usual dull ache.

Mission accomplished.

XXX TWO DAYS AGO XXX

A thoughtful look appeared on Sarutobi Asuma's face as he took a deep drag from his cigarette. "A contest?" He said.

"Don't you think it would be fun?" Yuuhi Kurenai asked, securing a succulently-prepared morsel of chicken with her chopsticks. She loved it when the rookie instructors got together for dinner, and it wasn't merely because of the fact she could burn water.

"How would it work?" Hatake Kakashi asked, eyeing the waiter to see if his food had come yet. Considering the fact that he'd shown up almost an hour late, it was highly improbable.

"Well, we could offer a prize to the team that finishes first. We could each think up our own... or just threaten a punishment if they lose- sometimes that works just as well..." the jounin smiled mischievously, already knowing the threat she had in mind.

Asuma cleared his throat.

"...anyway," Kurenai pulled herself out of her reverie, "we would each write missions, one for each member of our team. The missions would be... certain things to accomplish at the dance... like... I don't know... convince one of your teammates to dance with someone they like. Or... dedicate a song to the person you like and then ask them to dance to it with you. All in the name of personal and growth team-building, of course! Then they'd report to us the next morning about whether they completed it or not."

Asuma swished the beer around in his mug pensively. "Or we could have crack really bad jokes. Or tee-pee the bathrooms," he supplied.

"Well..." Kurenai frowned, "that wasn't exactly what I had in mind..."

Kakashi stroked his masked chin in thought. "Lap dances...?" the copy jounin mused.

Asuma laughed, taking a drink of his beer, while Kurenai rolled her eyes and pushed around the leftover rice on her plate. "Honestly, Kakashi! They're fourteen!"

"Of course. I was just picturing the reaction," he explained, which only made Asuma laugh even harder, considering the outcome should Choji be assigned such a mission.

"All perversion aside," the female jounin continued with a distrustful glance at the men, "anyone who accomplished their mission would be awarded five points. However, the missions are secret, and no one can reveal what they have to do. But if they figure out what someone on another team's mission was, they tell us, and they get an extra point."

Kurenai paused to lift her last bite of chicken to her mouth as her fellow jounin contemplated the idea. "What do you think? Lap dancing notwithstanding," she glared at the obviously amused Kakashi while Asuma chuckled, muttering something incoherent about crushed potato chips, "a little friendly rivalry never hurt anyone. And this way, they'll all go to Iruka's little dance whether they want to or not!"

Kakashi tipped his head to better regard his co-worker from his one visible eye. "Well, while I do like the idea of forcing the kids to attend a dance while making them perform highly questionable acts..."

"I didn't say 'questionable,' " Kurenai muttered, though she was too caught up in imagining the utter cuteness of her adorable students at their first dance to feel truly annoyed. Because, even though she didn't admit it to the men, that was half the point. Cuteness.

Kakashi shook his head, "Well it sounds like fun, but I suggest-"

Suddenly, a cloud of smoke burst into the room, and a bold, masculine, somehow offensive voice cut short Kakashi's objection. "Ah-hah! Now is the perfect time to intervene! Just as my eternal rival has foreseen that his students are no match for such a competition, I shall volunteer my superior team for this test of prowess!"

The copy-nin sighed. "Hello, Gai."

Taking the lack of enthusiasm for a sign of defeat, Gai smiled a broad, stunningly white, yet somehow uninspiring smile as he gave a sign of thumbs up to Kurenai, his ultra-bowl-cut black hair shining, his gigantic eyebrows twitching enthusiastically, and his forest-green bodysuit clinging distastefully to his every curve.

Kurenai was glad that she had already finished her meal. Her appetite was shot for the night. "Um... would you like to join our competition, Gai-sensei?" she managed.

"Not only would I like to join, I would like to change the rules!" Konoha's magnificent green beast declared with a flourish.

Asuma sighed heavily and took another slug of beer. Why wasn't he surprised?

"If we came up with missions for our own teams, some individual" he glared accusingly at Kakashi, "would assuredly designate much simpler tasks to his students to ensure their victory. In my genius, I have quickly discovered that drawing from a hat a random mission- written by a random sensei- would be a much more acceptable practice."

Gai posed dramatically as his colleagues processed his (clearly superior) proposal. If only Lee were here to see him in his glory! His young protégé's eyes would be overflowing with worshipful tears! Gai's own eyes filled with tears at the very thought, and he raised a triumphant fist in victory. Lee!

Kurenai's left eye twitched, and her face took on a greenish cast.

Asuma gaped as the cigarette fell out of his mouth, narrowly missing his knee in its quest for the floor.

Kakashi ordered a beer.

"Of course, that was what I was suggesting when you interrupted," Team 7's instructor said.

The dramatically posed, teary-eyed Gai suddenly spasmed as he gripped his head in his hands, his face twisted in utter agony. "NO! My speed has proven insufficient! He has beaten me once more! If only I had-"

"Ha ha, all right then, who's in?" Asuma interjected, sensing the incoming rant. He pulled out another cigarette to replace the one he dropped. "I think my kids'll do great."

"Yes, the random drawing of missions is a great idea, no matter who suggested it. That way, we can assure it's fair," added Kurenai, attempting to help distract the panicking tortoise-summoner. Gai hadn't exactly been invited into the competition, but it would be even better with more kids.

Heaven only knew what sort of "missions" Gai and Kakashi would think up... but at least she'd nixed the lap-dancing... hopefully...

"All right," conceded Kakashi, pulling a pad of paper out of his pocket. "Let's write out the missions right now. We'll keep them secret, even from each other, and the kids can draw them tomorrow."

That decided upon, Gai seemed appeased, and the jounins set about writing down missions for their students. Gai's hand flew at superhuman speeds, while the others thought out their missions with slightly more consideration.

Three slips of paper in hand, Kakashi's expression became thoughtful as he set about deciding on the perfect mission for a devoted young ninja to perform.

It had to be a challenging, engaging mission which would enhance a shinobi's skills while broadening their experience in stealth tactics. And lap dancing was apparently not an option, which narrowed his choices considerably.

Oh! Of course! It was so simple yet perfect, he thought as he put pencil to paper.

In small, concisely-formed kana, he wrote: SPIKE THE PUNCH.


	2. Chapter 2

Operation: Genin Dance

Persepolis130

Notes: I don't know if they have DJ's or pop music or men's dress suits etc. in Konoha, but it's just a fic, so I figured it was alright. Shikamaru's sort of a perv, but in a good sort of way! If you want to know why he's acting this way, "Shikamaru, Genius?" is (sort of) the backstory. Enjoy!!

CHAPTER 2

Haruno Sakura had a sinking feeling that the night was not going to go well before the dance even began.

Of course she was having a bad hair day, and she had had to do her hair four times before she got it right. And then she put a run in her nylons with the fake nails she was wearing, which caused her to panic and trip as she was trying to remove the offending stockings. Then, as she fell, she broke off one of her nails, and it just didn't look the same since she'd glued it back on. Her long, silky, dark green dress really brought out her eyes, but it somehow made her forehead look even larger...

And did Sasuke even like green? What if he hated it?!

However, none of that was any real indicator of the downward turn the evening would take. In fact, Sakura was still quite looking forward to the night when she arrived at the door to the dance hall. Until ...

"Sakura, my angel! My gossamer-winged butterfly! Your beauty stills my heart yet breaks it in the same instant!"

The sound stopped her dead in her tracks. Her forehead started to throb, and it felt twice as large as her dress made it look. A trio of girls she didn't know laughed as they pushed past her to get into the hall.

She took a deep breath and turned to see Rock Lee, his bowl cut bobbing, approaching at a trot, wearing his usual green bodysuit and gold legwarmers. To a formal dance. Yes, it was going to be a long, long night.

"Um... Lee? What're you wearing?"

"My good-luck outfit, of course! How thoughtful of you to have noticed! And I must add that your dress is stunning! The beautiful forest green color could not be better!!" Lee winked and smiled, giving an enthusiastic thumbs-up.

An approaching genin in a charcoal gray suit pointed and snickered.

Looking down at her dress, Sakura realized that the color matched Lee's outfit exactly. Almost as if they'd planned it. It was like one of those nightmares where you're going about your day normally and then suddenly, you notice you're not wearing any clothes. Only worse. Because Lee isn't either.

"Ah... never mind," said Sakura, forcing a smile, while the newly-awakened Inner Sakura screamed and ripped her hair out by the roots. "I was just waiting for... for someone to get here. Before I went in."

"A tragedy that you should wait alone on such a wonderous night! If you must wait, then I shall wait with you, sweet Sakura!" Lee said, assuming what he hoped was a sufficiently heroic-looking position.

Outer Sakura sighed as Inner Sakura banged her head against the ground. Well, I suppose there's no point in waiting for Sasuke now, she decided. "Let's go in."

But look at the bright side, she told herself. At least this way I'm sure to notice when he begins his mission. I'll get an extra point for sure! And boy, do I need it! There's no way I'm going to be able to complete my mission, and that's five points I'm going to lose!

Following Lee as he began to do what appeared to be a victory dance (accompanied by sound effects), Sakura fumed about her mission.

It had to have been Kakashi who wrote it. No other jounin was THAT perverse. The shock was still fresh in her mind of the instant she'd unfolded the paper and read the neatly written words:

CONVINCE SOMEONE TO STREAK

Who the hell could she convince to STREAK!? The only one she could think of was Naruto, and she sure as hell didn't want to see THAT!! Oh, she wanted to wring her perverted sensei's neck! On second thought, she'd be better off reaching down and grabbing him forcefully by the--

"Sakura?" Lee's voice asked hesitantly.

Looking up at him, Sakura realized that he looked a bit frightened. Damn, she must have had that look on her face again. The one that hinted of impending ass-whipping.

Wiping the Look of Death off her face, she followed Lee into the hall, squealing with unrestrained glee at the pretty balloons and streamers. With all the bright decoration, you could hardly even tell it was really a ninja assembly room. Even the giant seal-making hands seemed festive!

"It's beautiful!!" declared Lee, tears pouring from his eyes. Sakura edged slowly away.

Just then, the first song started up. It was a slow, romantic one, and Lee's tears evaporated, his expression replaced with one of steadfast determination.

Sensing another declaration of love, an offer to dance, and/or a marriage proposal, Sakura acted. "Lee, would you...uh..."

"Yes, my love!"

"...get me some snacks!" Yeah, snacks! Perfect! Not that she could eat with her stomach doing flips waiting for Sasuke, but that wasn't the point.

Lee's momentary disappointment at his sudden inability to declare his love, offer to dance, and/or propose marriage was quickly replaced by a resolute set of the jaw and firmly clenched fist as he stalked across the hall to the food table.

Sakura sighed in relief, finally able to breathe.

"Sa...Sakura..." She suddenly heard from behind her. Turning, she saw Hinata.

"Oh, Hinata! It's good to see you! Your dress is so adorable!"

Hinata smiled, glad to have found someone she knew at the dance. "Your dress is very pretty, too. I-it really brings out your eyes."

Sakura beamed, smoothing out her dress a little for show. "Thank you! I was hoping--"

The cherry-blossom genin's reply was cut short when she suddenly heard an unpleasant sound coming from the door.

No, it wasn't Lee. Though it was almost as bad.

"...napping in the corner, or you'll regret it! Don't you roll your eyes at me, lazy-ass! I'm serious here!! This is-- SAKURA!!"

"Well, if it isn't Ino-pig!" Sakura said, regarding her mortal enemy, Yamanaka Ino, who had just stalked in the door with her teammates Nara Shikamaru and Akimichi Choji.

The ponytailled Shikamaru looked grumpy as ever in his wrinkled black suit (without a tie, because it had evidently been too troublesome). Choji, his clip-on tie hanging slightly askew because his shirt was too tight to button to the top, was already making a beeline for the food table. But it was Ino's sky-blue dress that really caught Sakura's attention.

The dress was a gauzy, vaguely transparent, ultra-short number that showed off Ino's legs to their full extent. And it showed off something else as well, Sakura thought with a sinking feeling as she noticed the plunging neckline and major cleavage.

Sakura had spent almost twenty minutes arranging the tissues in her push-up bra, and she still felt like a little girl next to Ino.

"You're looking brainy as ever, Sakura!" Ino replied, pulling her well-styled bangs to one side of her cute-sized forehead. "Did you forget we're here for a dance, and not a test?" she laughed.

"Hah! At least I wore a dress and not a negligee. What're you, dressed for some sort of trashy slumber party??" Sakura countered.

"Well, I'm going to a little 'slumber party' after the dance, of course," Ino fluttered her mascara-black eyelashes coquettishly, "AT SASUKE'S!"

Hinata, feeling embarrassed and upset didn't know how to stop the girls' bickering, so she opted for standing quietly and staring intently at her toes. When would Naruto-kun get here?

"What a pain. I'm outta here," mumbled Shikamaru, who headed toward Choji at the food table.

XXXXX

When the shadow manipulator's slow saunter finally placed him in proximity of the edibles, he found his friend Choji involved in a conversation with Rock Lee, who was precariously balancing a plate filled with various munchies and an over-full glass of punch.

"...which girls might not like because it's a bit heavier. It's full of protein though, which is good for building muscle," Choji was saying.

Lee nodded with enthusiasm as he placed some of the aforementioned baked goods on the plate. "Thank you for your help! I have resolved that nothing substandard shall pass through the lips of my darling Sakura! I am sure she shall be pleased with this selection of delicacies!"

"No problem."

And with that, Lee made a quick bow and started across the hall, which was now starting to fill up a bit. There were even a few couples dancing. Iruka, standing beside a chuunin who had obviously been assigned to chaperone, looked pleased.

A few other people had wandered over for refreshments, so Shikamaru moved out of the way against the wall beside the food. Choji continued to fill his plate, occasionally munching as he did.

"Hi Shikamaru, Choji!" Tenten's voice called. Shikamaru saw her on the other side of the hall in a poofy pink dress. She appeared to be attempting to drag a reluctant Neji onto the dance floor.

Shikamaru stuffed his hands in his pockets and leaned against the wall as Choji waved to Tenten. "She's pretty, isn't she?" the rotund genin asked, shoving a big slice of something seafood-looking into his mouth.

"Who, Tenten? You can't be serious."

"Y'oun'tin sh'ish?"

"No, I don't think she is. And don't talk with your mouth full. It's gross."

An audible swallow preceded Choji's next question. "You think Ino's pretty?"

"I think she's pretty loud," was his reply, as Ino's voice drifted across the hall. She was still arguing with Sakura.

"Yeah, but in that dress and all, doesn't she look really pretty?"

A scowl crossed Shikamaru's face as he grabbed a chunk of cheese off of Choji's plate. "Who cares," he said, though he could feel his face getting warmer at the thought of Ino in her barely-there sky-blue dress. Or out of her barely-there sky-blue dress. Yeah, definitely out of it. Pressing him back against the wall, with her arms around his waist and her lips sucking on his earlobe...

He shoved the cheese into his mouth, feeling incredibly annoyed with himself, Ino, and the world in general. Why did this keep happening to him? And in the name of all things holy, why HER??

Suddenly, the girl in question stormed across the hall in their direction. She jerked to a halt a few feet from Shikamaru and crossed her arms menacingly.

"You two had better be watching for the others' missions like I told you. I know you're not going to dance or anything, so you should do SOMETHING useful! And remember, no sleeping, and no leaving!! Sasuke-kun's going to be here soon, and I don't want to have to tell you this again. Got it?!"

The deeply scowling Shikamaru found that he had an unreasonable fondness for the way her crossed arms pressed her breasts together.

He must not have seemed disinterestedly annoyed to a sufficient extent because Ino was suddenly glaring at him. "What are you looking at?"

Shikamaru sighed. Girls were such a pain in the ass. "Your dress," he lied.

Ino's eyebrows raised slightly as she grabbed the glass of punch Choji was handing her. "What about it? I know it looks amazing."

"Yeah, it looks nice. Or whatever."

"Well, what--" Ino froze mid-sentence, a concerned look crossing her face. "Wait, you just complimented me."

"So." The brunet pouted.

"Uh... well..." Ino fumbled with her words, much to Shikamaru's bewilderment. Clearly attempting to cover, the blonde took a long drink of her punch before continuing.

When Ino set down her cup, her cheeks looked a bit flushed. "My kissing jutsus are really great, too," she proclaimed with her nose in the air.

Shikamaru looked at her strangely. Or maybe he gawked; he wasn't really sure which. In any case, his gaze followed her as she turned on her heel and stalked back across the dance floor toward the door. The bottom of her blue dress swished nicely against her thighs.

Shikamaru swallowed. Kissing jutsus...

"Hey, does this punch taste funny?" Choji asked suddenly, jerking his friend out of his reverie by pushing a glass of pink foam into his hands.

Detecting a definite alcohol aftertaste as he sipped, Shikamaru sighed. It was really going to be a long, troublesome night.


	3. Chapter 3

Operation: Genin Dance 

Persepolis130

Thanks for the sweet reviews!! I'm happy yet disturbed that I write Gai and Lee well. And yes, Shikamaru has discovered girls (aaaaww!), and he'll be uh... discovering one of them more thoroughly later on...

Notes: I don't think they have crack in Konoha. And maybe not circuses either. And minors drinking alcohol is wrong, Kiba, and I don't condone it (heh)! Tenten's dress is evidently hideous. Word.

CHAPTER 3

Inuzuka Kiba patted Akamaru, who was happily squished into his suit jacket, before running his hand through his hair once more. He'd met up with Shino on the way to the dance to go over mission surveillance strategy for the last time, and the two genin were now on their way to the hall.

Kiba had spent a long time in front of the bathroom mirror this evening, and he had come to one final conclusion: he looked hot.

His hair was perfectly disheveled, his tie was perfectly knotted, his suit was wrinkle-free, and (though he'd never admit it) he'd even put on a bit of lip gloss to make his lips look more... you know. How girls like them.

Oh, and Akamaru had gotten a bath. He smelled like Kiba's mom's orange shampoo.

So why had Kiba gone to all this trouble? Was it because of his mission? The reward for winning the contest? Because he particularly liked his mom scold him for wasting her expensive bath products? Not really.

It was because tonight, he was going to score.

Yeah, he wasn't quite sure yet who the lucky lady would be, but she was sure to fall for his... what was it... animal magnetism. Yeah.

Kiba nodded in agreement with his thought. Damn straight.

Suddenly realizing that their destination was just around the corner, he halted and beckoned Shino toward him. "Wait just a sec."

Rubbing Akamaru's nose with his thumb, he reached into his breast side pocket and pulled out a small flask. Unscrewing the top, he took a sip and handed it to the bug genin.

Shino might have had an odd look on his face, but it was really hard to tell. In any case, he took a sip of the liquid before handing it back to Kiba, who put it back into his pocket.

"It tastes bad," Shino said in his usual deep, slightly unnerving monotone.

"It's just to loosen up a little. Chicks dig it." Kiba explained matter-of-factly to his socially undereducated teammate.

"Anyway, you remember the strategy, right Shino? You get some food, sit back and watch. Hinata and I will come and check in every so often. Hopefully she's already completed her mission and spiked the punch. If your answer is yes about something, tell me the food is good. If it's no, say it's not."

Shino nodded in assent.

"Alright, Akamaru, Shino, let's go!" Kiba proclaimed, leading the way to the open doors of the ninja assembly room turned dance hall.

Akamaru barked excitedly in assent.

"..." was Shino's response. Which clearly meant that all was well.

XXXXX

Hyuga Neji was going to kill Gai-sensei. He wasn't yet sure how, but he was positive he would do it. Not only did Neji bear the humiliation of having the flamboyant man as a trainer, but now Gai had forced him to swallow every ounce of his pride to complete an utterly pointless, completely degrading mission.

Ordinarily, he would blame fate. For making the senseis get together and come up with this idiotic plan. Or for forcing his untrustworthy fingers to curl around that one particular piece of paper when drawing his mission.

But fate was not so cruel. Only Gai-sensei was.

SHOW YOUR APPRECIATION OF THIS TREMENDOUS OPPORTUNITY FOR YOUTHFUL ROMANCE BY THOROUGHLY ENJOYING YOURSELF! NO MATTER WHAT, MAKE SURE THAT EVERYONE KNOWS HOW AMAZINGLY HAPPY YOU ARE!

The fact that he had been forced to attend a DANCE was humiliating enough. Why the HELL did he have to pretend he LIKED it??

"Ooh, how exciting! Aren't you excited, Neji?" a perky voice said as his arm was nearly jerked out of the socket by the owner of that voice.

"Ah, of course, Tenten!" he responded pleasantly, a bit sick to his stomach already.

She grinned, her freshly-curled hair bouncing as she practically hopped across the dance hall.

"And it's our first dance! Can you believe we're fifteen, and neither of us has ever been to a dance before? Ninjas have to give up so much." Tenten's fluffy pink dress distracted Neji from responding. He thought she looked like a ballerina in a tutu. But not in a good way.

"Of course it's not really my VERY first dance at all," Tenten continued energetically, "I went to one when I was eight with my family. I think it was for a festival or something, I forget. But still, I don't think it really counts."

"Uh, yeah, you're probably right!" Neji tried his best to sound enthusiastic. It was painful.

"Ooh! Here's some people we know!" the excited girl exclaimed. "Hi Shikamaru, Choji!"

Neji sighed and put on a fake smile as Tenten dragged him sharply toward the dance floor, intermittently calling out a greeting to anyone she recognized. Neji stayed beside her, wondering if his teammate was on drugs, and faking a smile as well as he could. He was sure it made him look psychotic, but it seemed to please the lunatic with a death-grip on his arm.

A slow, vaguely romantic song had just started when Neji's teammate jerked to a halt on the dance floor and let go of his arm, causing him to knock into her. Attempting to stop himself from plowing the girl over, he grabbed her waist.

His eyes only separated from hers by mere inches, Neji noticed that Tenten's cheeks were the same repugnant pink color as her dress. Her lips, shiny with awful pink lipstick, parted. "Let's dance," they said softly.

"Aaaaah... excellent idea!" was the only acceptably cheerful response that came to mind. Fate had a horrible sense of humor.

Tenten beamed as she put her hands around Neji's neck and pulled him even closer to her, beginning to sway with the music. Neji could only smile nauseatedly and pretend to be thrilled.

Yes, Gai-sensei was going down.

XXXXX

Uchiha Sasuke was going to kill Gai-sensei. He didn't know how yet, but he would do it. It was bad enough that that idiot was actually stronger that Sasuke's own sensei, but having to suffer the humiliation of following his moronic, thoughtless, injudicious orders was almost beyond bearable.

Being ordered to go to the dance had been stressful enough. Dealing with the rabid fan-girls was going to be torture. Now he had to deal with this damn MISSION, too?

Sasuke almost groaned as he walked down the street toward his destination. He only hoped he could accomplish his mission without completely ruining his family's reputation. In other words, quietly, with as few witnesses as possible.

He was drawn out of his thoughts by a familiar "SASUKEEEE!! Wait up, you bastard!!"

Ah yes, he'd almost forgotten.

"What's the idea getting to the dance before me?!" Naruto charged toward him at full speed.

If it hadn't been beneath him, Sasuke would have screamed. But it obviously was, so he just stuck his hands in his pockets and kept walking.

"Hey, hey!! What's your mission, huh?"

Sasuke flashed his teammate a dirty look. "I told you it's none of your business. And besides, we're not supposed to tell anyone."

"Heh heh! You wanna hear MY mission? Huh?" Naruto bounced obnoxiously in front of Sasuke, turning backwards to look at his teammate but continuing to jitter like a crack addict.

"No."

"Jerk!! Well, I wasn't going to tell you anyway!"

The Uchiha sighed. Naruto was such a lost cause. "Just try not to give away your mission to everyone and make us lose, dobe."

Fully expecting the punch that followed his insult, Sasuke calmly stepped to one side. He kept walking as Naruto yelled insults from the heap on the ground where he had fallen after failing to connect his fist with Sasuke's face. It wasn't Sasuke's fault Naruto was the "dead-last" dobe. It was vaguely amusing to shove the fact in Naruto's face every so often, though.

His teammate still fuming on the ground, Sasuke stalked up the stairs to the hall where the dance was being held. Swearing one more time that Gai-sensei was going to regret ever having been born for coming up with this mission, the Uchiha stepped into the hall.

A dozen feminine squeals welcomed him at the same time as he felt the requisite arms around his neck. "Eeek, Sasuke-kuuuun! You look sooooo handsome!"

Yamanaka Ino hung from his neck as the bile rose in Sasuke's throat.

"INO!! Get your hands off Sasuke! He doesn't want you hanging on him like that!" A pink-haired blur rushed toward the besieged Sasuke.

"Oh yeah, forehead-girl?" Ino let go of Sasuke to confront Sakura, who stood with clenched fists.

"EVERYONE! I'M HERE!!" Naruto declared as he finally dashed through the door, and Sakura immediately began to scream at him for being so loud while simultaneously being bawled out by Ino for tearing the possessive blonde away from "her" Sasuke.

Promptly securing the nearest unoccupied table, Sasuke found himself wondering, Why is my life such a damn circus...?

XXXXX

Sakura screaming at him as usual, Naruto smiled. Tonight was going to be cool.

Not only had the blond genin managed to find an orange suit that was only a bit too big for him, but he'd found a tie with a picture of ramen on it! Looking down at the aforementioned tie, he snickered.

Oh, and his mission was cool, too.

Since Sakura wasn't done with her yelling yet and that bitchy friend of hers had stalked off somewhere, Naruto looked around the hall. It looked nice. The balloons were a good touch. He'd have to compliment Iruka-sensei on them later. He saw his former teacher across the hall and waved.

"Are you even listening to me, Naruto?!" Sakura screamed, looking as if steam was about to pour out of her ears.

"Sakura!" said a voice from behind her.

"WHAT?!" she screamed, spinning to face the owner of the offending voice.

Naruto smiled. "Your snacks, Sakura!" The green-clad, gold-legwarmered boy offered a plate heaped with food and a nearly spilling glass of punch to Naruto's teammate.

"I don't want them anymore," she declared with a wave of her hand, turning back to Naruto.

Lee's shoulders drooped, and his head fell so low that the tip of his bowl-cut hair dipped into the punch. He turned toward the nearby tables, muttering despondently.

"Hey, Sakura, your dress is the same color as Thickbrow's training outfit!" Naruto blurted. "It's like you match!"

An unholy look came over Sakura's face, and Naruto scratched his head. Now what could have upset her?

"You wanna dance?" Naruto offered. "OWW OWW OWW!! You don't have to hit! Ouch! Jeez, I was just asking!"

"Anyone who wanted to dance with YOU would have to have something wrong with their head!" was Sakura's succinct reply.

Happening to look down as Sakura was berating him, Naruto caught sight of his ramen tie and snickered again.

"...Na...Naruto-kun...?" the boy heard at his right side.

"Eh? Oh, Hinata! Hi!"

"Ah...It's so good to.. to see you here..." She started, cheeks pink and eyes on her shoes. What a weird girl. Oh well.

"Hey Hinata, your dress is adorable! You wanna dance?" he asked, happily straightening his tie.

Maybe Hinata wasn't feeling well. Her face was suddenly beat red, and her knuckles turned white as she tightly grasped her purse to her chest. Her head was turned so far down that he couldn't even see her eyes from beneath her hair. She looked like one of those birds that sticks its head in the sand. You know the ones.

"I--" she started. Wow, this was going to take a while.

"NARUTO!!" Sakura's voice screamed as the girl charged at him, "Don't you bother Hinata! She doesn't want to dance with you any more than I do!"

Hinata gasped. "But, but I--"

"Don't mind him, Hinata! He's being an idiot!" Sakura grabbed Hinata firmly by the shoulders and turned her away from Naruto. "Come with me. Lee got us some snacks and punch."

"But... but I..." Hinata looked on the verge of tears as Sakura led her away.

Being easily distracted, Naruto looked down at his tie again, giggling. Ramen!

"Hey, Naruto!" He heard shouting from the dance floor over the loud, fast song that was playing. It was that girl from Thickbrow's team. Whatshername. She was wearing a weird pink dress.

He was about to yell a greeting back despite her dress when he saw what she was doing. She was dancing... if you could call it that. It looked more like she was a wounded animal in its death throes. She was jerking back and forth, hopping around... without paying any attention to the rhythm at all. She looked vaguely like she was having a seizure.

Naruto blinked. She was terrible!! Even he was a better dancer than she was, and girls were supposed to be good at that sort of thing!

Pointing straight at the wildly gyrating girl, Naruto was about to announce his discovery to the world when he was suddenly cuffed on the back of the head. Losing his balance, he toppled to the floor.

A welt rose immediately from the injured spot as he sat on the floor rubbing the back of his neck. Who did that?!

Swinging his head around from side to side to locate the culprit, his ramen tie caught his attention once more, making him laugh.

Spotting a random girl walking nearby, he yelled to her from his spot on the floor, "Hey, you look pretty! Wanna dance?"

"Pfft," was her reply as she continued walking.

Naruto smiled, patting his tie lovingly. Life was good.


	4. Chapter 4

Operation: Genin Dance 

Persepolis130

Yea, more reviews!! Thanks so much! I'm so glad someone other than me thinks this stuff is fun, and I really appreciate the pairing/mission suggestions. You all rock!!

Notes: Underage persons (koff Kiba koff) should not drink. Additionally, alcohol is not good for dogs. They really shouldn't be allowed to drink "Hinata's special punch."

CHAPTER 4

Shino sat alone at a table, observing his fellow genin. A small plate of food sat before him, untouched. During the performance of a covert mission observation was no time to eat.

Though Akimichi Choji obviously felt quite differently. Shino turned his eyes toward the rather portly member of Team 10, who was munching at a nearby table and conversing jovially with his teammate, Nara Shikamaru.

"Yeah, but if you had to pick the absolute prettiest, who would it be?" Choji was asking.

"None of them," Shikamaru responded.

"No, if you HAD to pick one!"

"I'd rather not."

"But that's not the point!"

"This is getting tedious."

"You think Hinata's pretty?"

"No."

"What about Sakura?"

"No."

"Well, how about--"

"Knock it off, would you?"

"You're no fun."

"Pfft."

"Hey Shikamaru?"

"What?"

"You do LIKE girls, right?"

"Why would you even ask me that?"

"You'd still be my friend if you liked Sasuke."

"I'm leaving."

Shino contemplated the situation. Evidently "leaving" meant that Shikamaru was going to put his head in his lap and cover his ears. It was probably too much effort to actually go anywhere. Shino got no read on this boy at all.

Choji didn't seem particularly suspicious either, though he was certainly asking a lot of questions about who Shikamaru liked. It might just be normal conversation though. Shino wasn't exactly an expert on what friends talked about. Or enemies, for that matter. Though he did know bugs front and back.

Even taking that into consideration, he was rather sure what Uzumaki Naruto was doing was not making him any friends.

"Hey, I remember you from class! You look way prettier than you used to. Wanna dance?"

"I don't think so."

"Oh... hey, wow, your hair looks great! Wanna dance?"

"Get lost."

"Uh... Hi! Remember me? I was in the chuunin finals! Doesn't a pretty girl like you wanna dance with such an excellent ninja?

"In your dreams."

"Hmm... hey there! You wanna--"

"Get bent."

Yes, Shino decided, Naruto was definitely trying to get any girl he met to dance with him. Though Shino wasn't quite sure if the objective was to actually get one of them to accept, or if it was just to ask.

Pondering for a moment as he watched a petite redhead in a black cocktail dress smack Naruto senseless, Shino decided that the asking must be the mission. After all, the missions were drawn randomly, and if someone like Uchiha Sasuke had had to get a girl to accept an offer to dance, that wouldn't have been much of a mission.

Of course, there was always the possibility that Naruto was asking every girl in the whole room to dance because he was just that strange. Shino wasn't exactly an expert on social guidelines, but he was rather sure Naruto didn't tend to follow them. What socially conscious human being would wear a tie with a picture of ramen on it?

And Shino hadn't seen Naruto drinking any of the punch...

Satisfied for the moment with his evaluation of Naruto's mission, Shino turned his head to the side, careful not to appear too intent on scrutinizing the others. His teammate Hinata was sitting timidly next to Haruno Sakura, Rock Lee, and Yamanaka Ino. Tenten and Hinata's cousin, Neji, were standing nearby talking to them. Tenten was grinning winningly and holding Neji's hand, and Neji was... also smiling. Very suspicious. And a bit creepy, to be honest.

The bug genin's eyes narrowed behind his dark glasses. What was going on...?

"And your dress is so amazing, Tenten!" Sakura was saying.

"It really flatters your figure," Ino added, stroking the fabric of Tenten's large, fluffy pink skirt.

"Yes, you look just like a... like a princess!" Hinata added, blushing.

"Fantastic!!" Lee gave a thumbs-up, though he seemed much more interested in examining Sakura's dress than Tenten's.

"Isn't Tenten's dress just too pretty, Neji?" Ino asked, nudging the boy.

All eyes turned to Neji, who gave a momentary look of panic before smiling broadly once again and declaring, "Of course!"

Now Shino was no expert on fashion, but he was pretty damn sure Tenten's dress was awful. She looked like a deranged ballerina. The others seemed to truly like the frightening, fluffy pink abomination, but Shino could tell that Neji thought it was just as appalling as he did. Yet Neji was pretending he liked it... and that he liked holding Tenten's hand.

Hmm... Pretending he was having a good time...

Suddenly, Tenten let out a squeak and dropped Neji's hand. "I love this song!! It has the best beat! Who wants to dance?"

"I will!" Sakura volunteered.

Lee shot up out of his chair at once, only to be pushed immediately back down by Sakura. "Not you," she told him.

"You want to dance, too, Neji?" Tenten asked.

"Ah, haha, I really have to... ah... use the bathroom! But don't mind me!" It was a good save.

Shino's observation was suddenly cut short when Kiba slid into the chair next to him, plopping a sloshing glass of punch in front of his teammate.

"How's it going, my man?" Kiba smacked him on the back, a silly grin on his face. "The girls are super hot, huh?"

Shino admitted he was no expert on alcohol. In fact, the sip that Kiba had given him earlier had been his first drink, and it was only enough to make his stomach feel a little funny and make his bugs crawl about a bit more hurriedly. Despite that, he was pretty sure Kiba was well on the way to being drunk.

"I haven't really tried the food yet," was Shino's reply.

Kiba blinked, eyes a bit glazed.

"Haha, good one!!" He finally shouted, smacking Shino again on the back, "The food thing!"

"Any news, Shino?" Kiba whispered too loudly.

"Neji and Naruto like the cheese and crackers." Shino told him.

Kiba blinked again, looking dazed. "Oh, I get it!" he proclaimed at length. "Good work, my friend!"

Looking down at the punch he had brought Shino, Kiba seemed to have a sudden epiphany. Pulling Akamaru out of his jacket, he set the dog down on the table. "Here, have some of Hinata's special punch, Akamaru! It's really good!"

Shino gaped as the dog started slurping down the foamy pink liquid. Not that anyone could tell he was gaping, due to his trench coat collar. But that only allowed him to gape without fear of being found out.

Not being an expert on the matter, Shino wasn't positive, but he was fairly sure that dogs shouldn't drink spiked punch.

"Wow, so that's... seventeen points for us already, Shino," Kiba said as Akamaru slurped at the drink. "We're going to win for sure!"

Shino felt vaguely hypnotized by Akamaru's little pink tongue flicking in and out of the pink punch. Flick, flick, flick. For some odd reason, he felt vaguely dirty watching it.

Suddenly putting his arm around Shino's neck and drawing him close, Kiba said secretively into his teammate's ear, "You watch the guys, I'll handle the girls. Oh, and I'll handle 'em, alright!!"

"..." was the only response Shino could think of, but he thought that summed it up rather well.

Kiba then patted his dog, grabbing him back up and putting him into his jacket again. Akamaru woofed, and Kiba laughed in that wolfish way he had. "I told you it was good!" he said. "Speaking of which..."

Reaching out and grabbing the glass of punch that Akamaru had just been drinking, Kiba downed what remained, setting the empty glass back down next to Shino. Shino felt the bugs squirm inside of him, a sure sign that he was weirded out. Sure, making your body into a home to thousands of swarming insects was a bit odd, but drinking out of the same glass as your dog was just wrong!

Shino watched as Kiba turned out toward the dance floor, pausing after only a few steps. Striding back to the table, Kiba grabbed the now empty glass and headed toward the punch bowl.

Sighing and looking out over the dance floor, Shino saw Sakura and Tenten... He blinked. What the hell was Tenten doing? She had to be the worst dancer on the face of the earth! She was making weird grinding motions with her pelvis and pumping her right fist up and down above her head.

Horrified, Shino found that he was unable to look away from the spectacle. His eyes were glued firmly to Tenten's perplexingly twitching shoulders, jerking neck, shimmying knees, and unsightly pink tutu-like dress that bounced outlandishly up and down with her bizarre motions. For no reason that he could explain, Shino felt his bugs scurry about at a panicked pace, his face flush a hot red color, and his pants become abruptly far too tight. Shino was no expert, but he had a sinking feeling this wasn't good.

Suddenly, the loud music pumping out of the huge speakers went silent, and Tenten halted, much to Shino's relief, yet somehow, chagrin. Looking up at the DJ's stage, Shino was shocked to see Rock Lee standing with the microphone. What in the...?!

XXXXX LEE INTERLUDE XXXXX

The stage was finally set, thought Rock Lee as he gazed out upon the busy ninja dance hall. Everyone was here now. They were all watching. It was time for him to complete his mission.

Spotting Sakura next to Tenten on the dance floor, Lee set his jaw and made long, purposeful strides toward his angel of perfection, his burning eyes full of fervor.

He had a declaration to make, and Sakura would be the first to know. He was going to bear his heart in front of EVERYONE, just as his mission instructed.

Weaving in and out of dancers, he approached. Tenten and Sakura seemed to be enjoying themselves, and had been dancing next to each other for the past few fast songs. Sakura looked simply lovely, especially in her stunning green dress, though Lee had to admit that Tenten was an absolutely incredible dancer.

"Sakura, my darling," he said, bowing to the cherry-blossom goddess when he reached her, "I am about to do something that I would not, in my wildest dreams, have imagined myself having the opportunity to do."

When he noticed that the coloring of Sakura's lovely face suddenly matched her splendid dress (and his splendid body suit), he decided that she might be a bit upset. Though the green was still lovely, of course. To comfort his beloved, he boldly took her exquisite hand in his and continued his announcement.

"Do not fear, my love! What I am about to do is Truth. And Truth cannot be hidden in the confines of our hearts! Truth, like a lovely flower, must bloom forth into the world to bless us all with its beauty!"

He was quite proud of this declaration. It sounded even better out loud than it had in his head.

"Uh..." his astoundingly well-spoken darling began as she yanked her hand out of his, "Wouldn't you rather... uh... dance with Tenten and me?"

Panic gripped Lee's insides as a confused Tenten was thrust toward him. At last, an offer to dance, and he was unable to accept! Oh, love was a challenging affair!!

"Alas!" he bemoaned, "I am afraid that I am forced to decline at this time. However, I promise to join you later this evening! Truth can wait no longer!!"

Sakura gasped as he turned away, and he thought he heard her lamenting. In disappointment, of course. Soon, my love, soon! he thought. But now for his mission.

Giving the tongue-tied Sakura a final brilliant smile, Lee made his way to the DJ, thanking the powers that be for allowing him this opportunity. For giving him the ideal mission! The sheer perfection made his heart pound in his chest.

Now was his chance! The DJ gave him a strange look when he begged for the microphone, but in the end, Lee obtained the instrument with only a few tears. The DJ shut off the music, and suddenly, the bowl-cut prodigy had the attention of the entire hall. It was now time to accomplish his mission:

DECLARE IN FRONT OF EVERYONE YOUR SENTIMENTS OF LOVE AND ADORATION FOR THE MOST ASTONISHINGLY AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL CREATURE YOU'VE EVER LAID EYES UPON!

Oh, Gai-sensei, he thought as he raised the microphone to his mouth, If only you could be here to see it! To see me bare my heart and soul in front of everyone! To proclaim my deepest emotions, my greatest love! And now the whole world will know! There will be no denying the Truth! The Truth will set me free!

"Attention Everyone! I have an announcement to make! I LOVE--"

And it was at that point that Sakura passed out.


	5. Chapter 5

Operation: Genin Dance

Persepolis130

Notes: Sorry if Lee's declaration gives you the creeps; it even freaks me out a little. Saturday Night Fever does not exist in Konoha, and even if it did, Naruto could still not dance like John Travolta. Hinata is a total lightweight (after all, she weighs what, like 90lb?).

My main goal in writing this fic is to humorously torment every last character to the extent of my abilities. So if you're reading along, and you think, "Wow, she's really mean to character! She must hate character!" it's not true. It's just that I am inherently evil. )

CHAPTER 5

Sakura had thought the night couldn't get any worse. She looked like Lee's twin and was dancing next to a flailing Tenten, you know? But then Lee had come walking onto the dance floor.

Taking her hand in his, he had made some sort of bizarre declaration about truth and flowers and not hiding anymore and... whatever it was, it hadn't sounded good. In fact, it sounded like it would lead to extreme embarrassment and mental anguish on her part, as usual.

She had tried her best to throw him off, but he wasn't even swayed by an offer to dance. He had marched straight to the DJ and mounted the stage.

Feeling panic rise like a tidal wave in her chest, Sakura watched in horror as Lee pleaded with the DJ over something. Suddenly, the music shut off, and Lee stood with the microphone in his hand.

Oh no.

This can't be happing, she thought. Please don't let this be happening! Inner Sakura ran around in panicked circles, her head between her hands.

"Attention Everyone! I have an announcement to make!" Lee shouted into the microphone.

Grabbing Tenten's arm, the pink-haired genin yanked her close. "What the hell is he doing?!" she hissed into the other girl's ear.

Tenten shrugged, looking up at Lee. "I'd guess he's declaring his undying love for you. But that's just a guess."

Sakura groaned. Please, no! She didn't know if she could handle this after everything else!

After taking so many hours getting ready but still not looking quite right, being openly ridiculed for inadvertently wearing an outfit that matched the bowl-cut wonder's, and having the gorgeous Sasuke ignore her as usual... how could she live through Lee declaring his love for her in front of half the genin of Konoha??

As Lee opened his mouth, eyes burning, right fist clenching, and eyebrows scrunching together like some huge, furry black caterpillar, Sakura felt the room start to go dark.

His voice sounded surreal as it echoed off the walls, "I LOVE--"

Darkness engulfing her field of vision, Sakura felt her knees give as she fell back into a startled Tenten's arms. This was the end, she thought.

"--GAI-SENSEI!!"

What!? Sakura jolted upright. He was declaring his undying love for his SENSEI?!

"Gai-sensei is the most astonishingly amazing shinobi in Konoha!! I worship, adore, and could only dream of one day achieving his skill, his wisdom, and his sexual mystique! He is the most beautiful creature I've ever laid eyes upon!! I have now declared it, thus it is Truth!"

With a final firm nod, Lee dutifully handed the mic back to the blank-faced DJ and proceeded directly to the table from which he'd come, taking his seat next to Hinata.

Sakura's bottom jaw hit the ground.

"What a fruit," she heard someone say as the music came back on, a slow, romantic ballad.

"That guy's such a queer," someone else snickered.

Looking at Tenten with shock, Sakura sputtered, "But-but-he! He-- he was supposed to declare his love for ME!"

Tenten blinked, tugging cutely on one of her curls. "You wanted him to declare his love for you?"

"NO! Of course not! Don't be ridiculous!" Sakura exclaimed, blushing at the mere idea. "Why would I want THAT?!"

Tenten shrugged, guiding Sakura off the dance floor and toward their table. "I just think it might be flattering to hear someone say that sort of thing, even if they're not the one you're in love with. I mean, I know I'd be flattered. That's all."

After receiving a shy smile from Hinata and a grinning thumbs-up from Lee, Sakura popped a piece of something crunchy into her mouth from the plate Lee had brought her. The embarrassed flush was still spread prominently across her cheeks as she contemplated Tenten's words. Would it have been strangely flattering to have heard Lee declare his undying love for her in front of the whole hall? Even though it might have been the equivalent of social suicide?

"Well, you'll never know now!" An oddly perturbed Inner Sakura told her, arms crossed. She sighed, looking out across the dance floor at the happy couples slow dancing.

It was true. Now she'd never know how it felt.

However, if she happened to have been able to see through walls and had looked up at that very moment, she would have had a pretty good idea. For high above the genin, peeking down through a narrow slit in the wall, were Asuma, Kurenai, and an unreservedly weeping Gai.

XXXXX

Kurenai blinked. Asuma gaped. A gleeful Gai blubbered loudly, his eyes big and glittery, his hands balled against his mouth like a shyly blushing bride.

"Uh..." started Kurenai, biting one of her nails, "that was... unexpected..."

Asuma scratched the back of his neck. "Yeah, that was... really something..."

Gai continued the fanatically overjoyed waterworks but managed to squeeze out between tears, "sniff... Lee... perfect... sniff... mission...!"

Cigarette dangling from his lips, Asuma muttered, "mission...?"

"Don't ask," murmured Kurenai, her head starting to ache.

Shrugging, Asuma decided to ignore Gai for the moment and take a better look at his students. The three sensei had arrived just in time to hear Rock Lee's bold declaration, and Asuma hadn't yet checked up on his kids. Bending down slightly, Asuma peered out through the small crack to the room below.

Ino in her micro-sized sky blue dress caught his eye first, and he took note of the fact that she was sitting at a table next to Uchiha Sasuke as the boy stared coldly out upon the dancers. Asuma sighed, shaking his head. That's one egg you're never going to crack, Ino.

A few tables down, closer to the food, were Shikamaru and Choji. Shikamaru had his head down on the table, looking put-out as usual. Choji was stuffing pretzels in his mouth with his right hand while attempting to demonstrate something with his left. It looked like he was gripping an imaginary apple next to his chest.

Asuma squinted at the boy, not sure what he was trying to do, when his student's continual shoveling of food into his mouth halted for a split second and his right hand joined the left in his demonstration, mirroring its movements. Asuma chuckled as Shikamaru rolled his eyes at an obvious portrayal of bouncing female breasts. Yup, those were his kids, alright!

"Do you see my kids?" Kurenai's voice was in his ear as she leaned down next to Asuma to peer out the small crack with him.

"Hmm... Shino's there on the left hand side sitting at one of the tables. It looks like he's watching the floor... can you tell?" Asuma asked, eyeing the bug-boy.

"Wow, he's pretty keyed up!" Kurenai stated. "I wonder what's got him going already?"

Staring harder at a stoic-looking Shino, Asuma shook his head. Shino's covered eyes and mouth made it almost impossible to tell what he was thinking. How in the name of the Fourth could Kurenai tell he was conscious, much less excited?

"OH, KIBA!!" Kurenai gave a pained look and slid down the wall, landing on her knees, head in her hands. "You've been here for less than an hour! How could you manage THAT?!"

"What's wrong?" Gai asked, evidently recovered from his crying jag, though obviously still basking in the warmth of hero worship. He put his eye to the opening next to Asuma.

Kiba, a punch glass in his hand, had his arm around a perky-looking brunette who was patting Akamaru. Kiba's dog was stuffed in his jacket, wriggling vigorously. Now, all of this would have been fine except for the fact that Kiba looked like he might just have fallen over if the girl walked away. He had a silly grin plastered on his face, and his eyes had that glazed look that only sleep deprivation, hypnosis, or alcohol could bring.

"Uh...well, he certainly is a spirited one, now isn't he?" Gai supplied.

"If you mean 'spirited' as in 'having imbibed heavily in spirits,' I'll agree," Kurenai groaned from the floor. What was the boy thinking?!

"Hmm...I see Tenten, but where is Neji?" Gai asked, Kiba already forgotten. "I was sure I had seen him when Lee began his most exemplary declaration."

"I'm not sure..." Asuma said, searching for the boy. "Oh, but there's Hinata."

"Yes," agreed Gai as he spotted the girl. "She appears to be speaking with Naruto."

"What?!" Kurenai unceremoniously batted the two men out of the way and put her eye to the hole.

Peering down, Kurenai found Hinata standing in front of Naruto. She was facing away from Kurenai, so the sensei wasn't sure, but judging by the fact that Naruto was giving a squinty, pensive look, it did seem that they were having a conversation of some sort.

Suddenly, Hinata's hands flew to her mouth. Kurenai squinted, hearing Naruto laugh even over the loud music. Hands now behind his head, the boy smiled broadly at Kurenai's timid student... and then abruptly turned to a nearby blonde, leaving Hinata standing alone, a blank look on her face.

"Oh, Hinata..." Kurenai whispered. "Don't give up!"

XXXXX

Hinata felt like an absolutely horrible person as she drained her second glass of spiked punch.

"That's it! Chug!!" a raucous voice said into her ear.

Her stomach felt funny, and her head was reeling slightly, but she had to do it.

She hadn't been planning on drinking any, of course. It was wrong to drink. Drinking was for hussies, not good girls like her. Girls who drank alcohol ruined their promising future, got themselves pregnant, and disgraced their whole, entire family.

So why was Hinata drinking this evening, a grinning Kiba hanging over her?

Looking over the rim of her cup, she saw a beaming blond on the dance floor doing a perfectly awful, but totally cute, version of the Saturday Night Fever dance. Oh, how she wanted to be out there dancing with him! Naruto-kun...

She had almost cried when Sakura had dragged her away from his offer to dance, fearing she had lost her chance. Though Hinata had managed to work up the courage to talk to him right after Lee's declaration, she hadn't managed to bring up the subject of dancing before he left her in favor of another girl.

Discouraged, she had gone to see Shino when Kiba had wobbled over, talking loudly about hot girls and telling Hinata she had a nice butt.

Feeling rather scandalized, Hinata had blushed deeply and suggested that Kiba not drink any more punch. What if Iruka-sensei found out and got Kiba in trouble?

Giving the girl a full-body hug that almost made her pass out, Kiba told her she wouldn't be so nervous if she drank something. After all, he'd been blatantly hitting on chicks all night, and he wasn't the least bit apprehensive about it.

She wasn't sure whether he was right. After all, hitting on random girls wasn't really beyond the boy's scope of normal activities. And he was much more brave than she was. But Kiba obviously wasn't afraid that alcohol would ruin his future as a ninja and kill his brain cells.

And anyway... well, a dance with Naruto might just be worth the dire consequences.

"See, everything's much more fun with alcohol! That's why all the adults drink it!" Kiba was telling her.

The room was blurring a bit, and when she turned her head to look at her teammate, she giggled at how his face seemed to keep moving even when her head stopped.

Akamaru barked, and Kiba turned away from her, swaying against Hinata in the process as he regarded a girl walking past. "Wow, she IS hot, Akamaru!"

As Hinata reached dazedly out to pet the dog, he barked again, causing Kiba to howl with laughter. "Yeah, I'd really like to sniff her butt, too! Let's go!!"

Hinata smiled as Kiba half-walked, half-staggered away from her. Having consumed alcohol, she might just end up living homeless on a street corner begging for change to support her twelve children, but she would dance with Naruto-kun first!

Seeing him across the hall, Hinata set down her cup, took a deep breath, and began toward him, taking long, purposeful, not entirely steady strides. Now or never, she told herself. Now or never!

It was almost an out-of-body experience when Hinata stopped in front of her dream boy. He looked at her and smiled, and she smiled back without making an actual conscious decision to move her lips.

She stared for a few moments before she remembered what she had to do, Naruto giving her an odd look.

"You were talking... about dancing," she said, feeling a slight tremor in her chest but too giddy to pay attention to it. For the first time ever, she stared straight into his eyes, which were so blue she felt lost in them.

"Ha, yeah! I'm asking everybody! You want to?" He asked, giving his tie a tug.

Hinata blinked, feeling incredibly distracted. "You have ramen on your tie..." she dazedly observed.

"Isn't it the BEST?!" He practically shouted, chuckling and tugging on the accessory with obvious, unrestrained glee. "It's my favorite tie ever! The most perfect tie ever made!!"

Hinata felt herself nodding, her hand reaching out to touch the tie, which was oddly entrancing. All those noodles... in only three minutes...

"Uh, Hinata?" She heard Naruto ask. She looked up at him, feeling vaguely like she might tip over.

"Um... about the dancing..." he pulled the end of his tie up and put it to his lips in thought.

Hinata felt her mouth slowly creep open as she stared at the tie. She had just touched it. And now he was touching it to his mouth. Oh, she was going to pass out!

"Well, the thing is... I don't actually know how to dance..."

Hinata giggled tipsily. "Then... why are you asking everyone?"

Naruto shrugged, grinning wildly.

"Well... I could..." Hinata instinctively looked down at her feet, which looked very far away, before continuing, "...teach you."

"Hey, really?! Wow, you're great, Hinata!"

Hinata grinned one of the biggest smiles of her life. This was like a dream!

Especially the part where everything was hazy, the room was spinning, and she didn't feel like she was connected to her body anymore.

XXXXX

Ino, as any reasonable girl would, had been stalking Sasuke all night.

Of course, that didn't take much effort, given that the boy hadn't moved since he arrived. He'd plopped himself down at a table, completely solitary, and had been sending out glares laden with killing intent to anyone who approached.

Of course, Ino knew what was truly behind those glares. Yes, deep down, Uchiha Sasuke wanted to be approached. He wanted to be brought drinks and thoughtful conversation by a beautiful young woman. He wanted someone to break through his tough veneer to find the warm, loving, snuggly boy underneath.

In other words, he wanted Ino.

So Ino had come to him, punch in hand, at a slow, sexy saunter. Even though he only grunted when she said hi again and placed the punch down in front of him, she knew he appreciated it more than he could ever express.

Sitting in what she deemed a very sultry position beside Sasuke, Ino pulled back her shoulders and sucked in her stomach, forcing her bust forward, the top of her creamy white push-up bra peeking out from under her elegantly risqué dress. Crossing her legs so that the slit in her dress fell open almost to her hip, Ino ran her hand up her exposed thigh suggestively. And then, she waited for Sasuke to compliment her.

And she waited.

And waited.

And waited some more.

Ino sighed. This was a tough job, getting Sasuke to admit his true feelings for her.

Suddenly, a light bulb came on in her head. Oh, I get it! I look so incredible that he's too shy to say anything! How sweet! But my mission will solve that-- it's perfect!!

Beaming, Ino leaned across the table to rouse her cutely timid dreamboat--

--when Kiba's obnoxiously loud voice assaulted her, mere feet away. Ino scowled. That idiot was even louder than usual. What was his problem anyway?

"Hey, Ino, lookin' hot tonight, babe!"

Oh man, he complimented her! How embarrassing! "Dream on, Kiba. My kissing jutsus are way too much for you!"

"Whoa. What?!" Kiba blinked, his head lopsided and shoulders tilted, Akamaru scrambling to stay inside his jacket.

Ino stared. "Are you drunk or something?" she asked warily.

"Heh. Why don't you come with me behind the academy and find out, gorgeous??"

Ino leaned away, smelling the alcohol on Kiba's breath. Gross. "My kissing jutsus would be wasted on trash like you. How disgusting!"

"Well, howsabout you sample some of MY kissing jutsus, huh?" Kiba leered, running his hand through his hair drunkenly in what he seemed to think a debonair manner.

Glancing at an unresponsive Sasuke and horribly annoyed that Kiba was interrupting her from convincing the Uchiha to declare his love, Ino replied decisively, "There's no such thing as a kissing jutsu. And if there were, you would be the last one on earth to learn it!"

Kiba rocked back on his feet, stumbling a little as he did so. "There's no such thing?"

Ino fumed, "Have you ever heard of them?! What the hell would they be, anyway-- what does KISSING have to do with NINJA ARTS?!

"So you don't know them, then."

Ino growled, exasperated. "Oh, just get out of here, you inebriated canine FREAK!"

She let lose a relieved sigh as Kiba left, muttering about fake kissing jutsus. What a moron.

Ino turned back to Sasuke. "I'm terribly sorry about all of that, Sasuke honey. Now where were we...? Oh yes!"

Leaning toward the boy so that her top fell open just right, she whispered loudly in his ear, "You wanna see my kissing jutsus??"


	6. Chapter 6

Operation: Genin Dance Persepolis130 

Notes: First of all, let me state that this is NOT turning into a yaoi fic. That said, however, I am a huge yaoi fan, and I'd have a hard time writing a fic like this without at least a little yaoi (or pseudo-yaoi, which is really what this chapter contains) thrown in for good measure. Nothing graphic though. Check out my other fics for that.

As a completely unrelated issue, thanks to my friend Stratton for the idea for the Shikamaru part of this chapter; he's a soul nearly as perverted as I. Additionally, it is a sad thing that Absolut and Polish sausages do not exist in Konoha. And on another note, Phoreticovelia disparata is a very real and very unique bug...

Also, I just wanted to warn that things get dirtier from here on out. I seem to go from pleasantly sardonic to randomly erotic quite easily. And next chapter's even worse (Shikamaru, Tenten!! Hands where I can see 'em!)! But considering who we're dealing with here (both the characters and the writer), something like this had to happen eventually!

CHAPTER 6

Neji stood still as humanly possible in the closed bathroom stall, the backs of his calves pressed against the hard porcelain bowl.

He had gone to the bathroom earlier, only to be loudly assaulted by Lee's declaration of love for their sensei when he returned. Taking that as another sign that the world had, indeed, been tipped on its ear, Neji headed directly back to the restroom, determined to wait out the insanity.

Only fifteen more minutes, he told himself. You can do it.

He heard a trio of noisy boys using the facilities, shouting and guffawing about some girl.

"She's like, the hottest chick on the face of the planet!"

"Yeah, did you see her ass when she bent down to pick up that one guy's dog?"

"She makes me hard just thinking about her!"

"Man, survival exercises make you hard!"

"Shut up!"

Neji held back a sigh at the improper conversation, feeling much better when the boys finally walked out, leaving him alone again.

Massaging his stiff neck, Neji shut his eyes. He wasn't hiding. Hiding was highly disrespectful. Neji was just... keeping others from discovering his mission. Protecting his team. Yeah.

The sound of the restroom door opening again shocked him back into stillness. One pair of feet walked quietly past his stall and toward the sinks. Neji heard the faucet being turned and water running, then paper towel being ripped.

As the feet passed back by him, he saw them pause. He held his breath.

Suddenly, the door to his stall came whooshing back at him, barely missing his nose as it was forcefully opened. What the...?!

Standing in front of him, damp paper towel still in hand, was Uchiha Sasuke. "Were you planning to stand in here all night?" he asked, eyes cold.

Neji blinked and then remembered to plaster his fake smile back on. "Oh, of course not! I'm having a great ti--"

"Can it. And get out of here," Sasuke's eyes narrowed. "It's creepy."

Seething at the other boy's insulting words, Neji promised himself to kick Uchiha's ass at the soonest possible juncture. But since he couldn't do that yet and still pretend to be having a delightful time, he quickly devised a slightly different plan.

Normally, something like this would be so far beneath him that he would never even consider it. After all, he was a Hyuuga, even if he was only a member of the branch family. His father's son didn't play dirty.

But desperate times called for desperate measures, as they say.

And so, smiling a disgustingly sweet smile, Neji sauntered out of the stall and up to Sasuke, stopping just inches in front of him. Batting his eyelashes, Neji put his fingers to Sasuke's cheek and, in a perfect imitation of one of Sasuke's fan-girls, cooed "Whatever you say, sweetie!"

Neji smirked as Sasuke gaped, his paper towel making a dull splat as it hit the ground.

Basking in his victorious glory as he drew his fingers down to the other boy's lips, Neji was floored by what came next.

"I admire you," the lips under Neji's fingers said.

Neji blinked, his hand dropping limply to his side. Um...

"Your skill and your beauty. I admire them both," Sasuke said quietly, bringing his hand to Neji's chest.

Sliding his fingers slowly downward, Sasuke leaned closer, whispering against Neji's cheek, "Would you like to go out some time, Neji?"

Neji swallowed hard. What the hell was going on?! Had the Uchiha taken his flirtation seriously, or was this a ploy to get back at him? What should he do-- should he insult the boy or calmly decline? Call him a perverted queer? Say calmly that he wasn't interested?

Why was this happening?

And why in the name of all things holy did Neji's face suddenly feel so hot??

XXXXX

Shikamaru didn't think he could take any more. This night, as predicted, was an awful pain in the ass.

Specifically the Ino aspect of it.

Sitting with his head on the table next to Choji, his friend's munching audible over the music, he could see her across the hall. Talking animatedly to Sasuke.

Shikamaru found it annoying.

Now, it wasn't as though Shikamaru was jealous of Sasuke. No, not at all. Jealousy would take far too much effort. He was just... annoyed.

Because after all, it wasn't as if Shikamaru really liked Ino or anything. There was no confusion about that. Yes, as a matter of fact, he was quite sure she was a total bitch. A total bitch who just happened to have been given the most perfect body on the face of the earth, an unfortunate fact that Shikamaru had recently come to notice.

Sulking forcibly toward his chattering teammate, he saw an excitedly gesticulating Ino spontaneously spill the cup of punch sitting in front of her. She watched blank-faced as it ran across the table toward Sasuke. Ino's face turned brilliantly red as the Uchiha stood up and marched to the bathroom, holding a now wet and sticky hand in the air in front of him as though it offended him to the very core.

Shikamaru grunted, grabbing a stick of celery off Choji's plate. Ino looked distressed sitting at the wet table all alone. If Shikamaru had been capable of self-motivation, he might have joined her.

But he wasn't, so he just watched.

Though maybe watching was actually worse. Especially when Ino decided, in that bothersome fashion of hers, to stand and wipe up her spill with a few nearby napkins.

With her back toward him, the annoyingly arousing way she bent over made her dress curve in a nearly intolerable manner around each hideously perfect thigh. The fabric of her dress darkening sensually in shadow between her legs, it then sloped irritatingly upwards to the most exasperatingly marvelous ass Shikamaru had ever seen.

Scowling, he slowly rolled his head sideways on the table to get a better view. How bothersome.

"What're you doing?" He heard Choji ask.

"Ino spilled her punch all over," he replied, glancing at the other boy as he knit his brow. "She better not think I'm going to help clean it up."

"Huh," Choji replied. "You still sure you don't think she's pretty?"

Turning his eyes back to the girl in question, Shikamaru found that she had moved to the other side of the table with her napkins. Giving him an annoyingly unrestricted view of her upsettingly splendid cleavage, she leaned forward, unknowingly but gracefully exposing her nauseatingly alluring bra to his highly annoyed regard. The infuriating bounce of her breasts as her delicate hand moved firmly and precisely back and forth on the table bordered on maddening, causing Shikamaru to squirm, indescribably irritated, in his seat.

"Choji, just looking at her is painful," Shikamaru finally answered, scowling his hardest. And it's not as if he was lying; he really was starting to ache.

Ino's eyes finally catching sight of her gaping neckline as she cleaned, the girl looked down. Damn, show's over, thought Shikamaru. What a pain.

He realized, to his chagrin, that he was wrong when Ino, cleavage still bared, dropped her sticky napkin and set to work licking the punch thoroughly and indecently off her slender fingers. Painfully captivated, Shikamaru gaped.

Her rosy tongue flicked over her fingers delightfully, leaving a temptingly slick path of wetness behind.

Troublesome.

Sliding her spit-slicked fingers alluringly under the top of her dress, Ino grasped her bra and tugged upward firmly and gratifyingly.

Very troublesome.

She then ran her hands caressingly down over her deliciously round breasts, cupping them as they swelled suddenly upward, the lusciously ample flesh threatening to overflow.

Oh damn, was this girl ever TROUBLESOME!!

Before he realized it, Shikamaru was on his feet, hands shoved deep in his pockets, heading toward the bathroom.

Cursing Ino for forcing him to put forth so much effort, Shikamaru firmly swung open the washroom door.

But even considering his current state of arousal, nothing on the face of the earth would have prepared him for what he found inside.

Just outside the near stall stood Neji and Sasuke.

The two boys were so close together that their knees touched, their parted lips exchanged the same air. Sasuke's right hand stroked intimately against a flushed-cheeked Neji's chest. The longhaired boy trembled, his breathing quick and unsteady. A dripping paper towel lay at their feet.

Blank-faced, Shikamaru blinked, urgency suddenly vanished as his hideously elevated intellect compiled all conceivable precursors to this scene.

None of them were good.

Sasuke spared Shikamaru a momentary, perfunctory glance before turning unconcernedly back to Neji, whose face reddened even more deeply as he backed away and opened his mouth in an effort at explanation.

Shikamaru shook his head. "Never mind. I don't want to know," he said as he backed out of the room, ignoring Neji's sounds of protest.

Safely outside the Bathroom from Hell, Shikamaru let loose a breath he hadn't realized he was holding, praying that image wouldn't be etched into his brain for the rest of his life.

The probability wasn't good.

Sulking at the thought, Shikamaru headed back for Choji's table, determined to wipe the past thirty seconds from his brain.

However, despite having walked in on something he would adamantly deny knowledge of until the day he died, he somehow still felt passably relieved.

It hadn't exactly been what he'd had in mind to ease his cumbersome mental image of Ino fondling herself, but hey, whatever worked.

XXXXX

Iruka fumed, holding the liquor bottle tightly in his right hand. He'd happened to see it poking out from a trash can on one of his trips around the hall. He was not pleased.

He had gone to extreme effort to make this dance perfect and wholesome for these burgeoning young adults, and someone had managed to ruin it. The innocence of the night was now compromised, its purity spoiled.

And there was no question in his mind as to who had committed this heinous act.

Naruto flailed wildly as Iruka grabbed him by the back of his gaudy orange sports jacket and hoisted him away.

Lugging the thrashing boy to a dark corner of the room despite his loud protests, Iruka finally set him down. "Naruto! Explain this!" he said, pointing to the bottle.

Naruto blinked. "Ab...so...lu--"

"NARUTO!" Iruka bellowed.

"WHAT?!" the boy bellowed back, giving his former sensei an annoyed look.

"Naruto, why did you do this?" Iruka demanded.

"Do what, Iruka-sensei?" the boy's perplexed look annoyed Iruka.

"Don't give me that! You spiked the punch!"

Naruto regarded the man blankly. "The punch is spiked??"

Iruka let loose a sigh, letting the arm holding the bottle fall to his side. Naruto wasn't this good at lying. He hadn't done it.

Iruka felt awful. He'd automatically accused Naruto without thoroughly evaluating the situation. But who else could it possibly have been?

Looking at the boy, who now seemed highly mischievous, Iruka put his hands on his hips, feeling justified once more. It was impossible that Naruto hadn't pulled some sort of prank. "What did you do?"

Naruto pouted. "Nothing..."

"Naruto!" Iruka threw him an accusatory glare.

"I didn't do anything! Honest!"

"If I find out you're lying..."

"Jeez Iruka-sensei, I haven't done anything... yet..."

"'Yet'?" Iruka questioned, eyebrows arching.

The blonde's mumbled reply was nearly inaudible, though Iruka was quite sure he heard Sasuke's name mentioned along with the word "kielbasa."

"NARUTO!!"

"Come on, I was just dancing with Hinata, that's all!" Naruto asserted, looking defiant.

Now it was Iruka's turn to give a blank look. Naruto had been dancing? With Hinata...?

Looking out on the dance floor, the chunin saw the girl there, standing in the exact spot Iruka had pulled Naruto away from. How awful, he hadn't even noticed! Oh, poor girl!

Glancing at Naruto's peculiar tie, the man was spontaneously struck by the perfect solution to poor Hinata's predicament and Naruto's pending prank.

"NARUTO!"

"WHAT?!"

The boy flinched when Iruka's hand appeared in front of his face, only to give a perplexed look when he saw what his former sensei was holding out. "What's that for?"

Iruka pushed the money into Naruto's hand. "Why don't you take Hinata out for some ramen?"

The hyperactive blonde let out a whoop of glee as he nearly squeezed the life out of Iruka. "RAMEN!!"

"Naruto, go invite Hinata," Iruka told the boy as he aimed the wildly bounding blonde toward Hinata, who was still standing, looking quite lost, on the dance floor.

"Thank you, Iruka-sensei!!" Naruto waved wildly as he leaped uncoordinatedly toward a forlorn-looking Hinata, waving the money above his head like a victory medal.

"Naruto, put the money in your pocket," Iruka advised as Naruto half-dragged the now-blushing girl toward the door.

The genin didn't seem to notice the advice, as he had evidently begun reciting to Hinata every type of ramen known to man.

"...and chicken ramen and mushroom ramen and shrimp ramen and pork ramen and beef ramen and miso ramen and fish ramen and breakfast ramen and desert ramen and chili ramen and spicy ramen and cheese ramen and..."

Well now, wouldn't they make a cute couple? thought Iruka. Such a good, well-mannered girl. She most certainly hadn't thought of boyfriends or dating yet. And she was definitely not the type of girl to involve herself with foolish mischief like spiking punch or drinking.

Yes, Iruka decided with a nod of his head, he'd like to see those two together. She'd be such a good influence on Naruto!

XXXXX

Kiba sat next to Shino, hugging Akamaru as a small child hugged a teddy bear. The world was blissfully hazy, and Akamaru was so snuggly.

Grinning foolishly, Kiba nuzzled his pup, which elicited a happy yip and a slurp. Struck by a sudden, muddled urge, Kiba licked his dog back.

Wow, being trashed was so cool.

It then occurred to Kiba that Shino should not be left out of this greatness. Yes, Shino should lick Akamaru too!

Stunned by his sudden genius revelation, the boy rotated slowly in his chair, holding a wriggling Akamaru out to his teammate.

"Isn't he beautiful, Shino?" Kiba slurred.

When Shino failed to answer, Kiba added, "Don't you wanna lick my pup?"

Not realizing that any sane human being, even one as odd as Shino, would have looked at him strangely for this, Kiba decided Shino must not have understood. After all, who wouldn't want to lick his pup?

"Hey, Shino, whasgoinon??" But still no response came.

Chortling, Kiba grabbed his dog's paw, shaking it up and down as if Akamaru were waving. "Shiiiiiiiino! Akamaru looooves yooooou!!"

This time, Shino seemed to say something, although his voice was too low for Kiba to understand.

He leaned in, almost dropping his poor pooch in the process. "Huh?"

Kiba noticed with the slowed perception time of inebriation that the other boy seemed to be staring at something. And though admittedly drunk off his ass, Kiba was absolutely sure he next heard Shino say in a hushed tone, "Phoreticovelia disparata."

Kiba blinked several times, rubbing his head. What was that? Wasn't Shino only supposed to talk about food? And why was it so hard to think??

Oh well!

Waving his hand in front of Shino's face, Kiba sing-songed, "Youuuuu-whooooo! Shiiiiiinoooo!" But for some reason, this didn't work.

Confused but unabashed, Kiba leaned in against his friend, hefting Akamaru up to Shino's face. "Here you go!" he proclaimed loudly.

Shino only moved his head slightly to the left to clear his view of the dance floor.

"Hey, what gives?! Akamaru's waiting, man!"

The only words Kiba understood from Shino's mumbled response were, "...mating dance...delicious..."

Kiba pulled Akamaru back, giving him another enchanting lick, and turned his head toward the spot Shino seemed so intent upon. The dance hall was a brilliant swirl of colors as his head made its rotation, but all he could see through his bleary eyes was a lurching pink blur.

Deciding that Shino was really just too weird sometimes, Kiba slipped off his chair and under the table to lick his puppy in peace.

XXXXX

Sasuke regarded Neji levelly as the older boy, still blushing furiously, turned and sprinted from the room.

How gross.

Sasuke looked down at the hand that had been touching Neji, and decided to wash it immediately. After all, it had been TOUCHING Neji's CHEST. Sick.

As he thoroughly lathered his hands, Sasuke realized that his face had been terribly close to the other boy's as well, and he felt the serious urge to wash it also.

Not even the fact that Sasuke had stopped Neji's constant, indecent smiling made him feel any better. And the fact that Shikamaru had walked in on it made the whole thing just that much worse.

Gai-sensei was so dead. How could that jackass have come up with a mission like that?

Sasuke shivered at the thought. The mission had clearly been intended for a girl! Though in the end, it might actually turn out to be a good thing Neji had pulled that nasty little stunt with him, or else how would he ever have pulled it off?

Splashing water on his face, Sasuke was suddenly struck by a horrible idea: what if Neji thought he was serious? Was that why he ran? Because he actually thought Sasuke wanted to date him?

No. Impossible. How could he, the last surviving member of the awesome Uchiha clan be attracted to talentless branch Hyuuga? And a GUY at that?!

But a sinking feeling gripped him by the guts as he thought about it.

Shit. Neji thought he was...

Angrily grabbing a towel to dry his face, Sasuke told himself, no. He had just intimidated the other boy, that was all. Neji couldn't possibly think he was really...

After all, what signs had Sasuke ever given that he wasn't perfectly, undeniably straight?

So he ignored all the girls who were constantly hanging on him, preferring to train with other boys. What did that mean? Training was the most important thing in his life. Playing around with love-sick girls was hardly going to help him avenge his family.

And the fact that his stylish clothes were always starched and ironed to perfection was just because he cared about how he looked. He was an Uchiha, after all, and he had a reputation to uphold. He couldn't go walking around looking like a slob in any old thing!

And what did it matter that his hair was always perfectly styled, or that he'd always managed to keep his shorts snowy white no matter how dirty a mission got? And so what if he liked to read fine literature and cook gourmet meals in his free time? Or that he had a penchant for decorating, a fondness for bubble baths, and a soft spot for fuzzy little stuffed kitties?

That didn't mean he was... gay...

Did it??

XXXXX

POOF!!

"Sorry I'm late! I got lost on the--"

"You do realize the dance is almost over, right?" Asuma asked half-heartedly, motioning toward the peep hole.

"Ah. How are our little ones performing?" Kakashi questioned, peering through.

"Well, only Sakura's left out of your group. Your other two left. As for mine," Asuma answered, "Choji's eating, Shikamaru's pouting, and Ino's bossing. Same old."

Kurenai moaned from her place on the floor, "Don't even ask..."

"Your students not faring so well?" Kakashi's eye arching amusedly as he glanced down at her.

"Hinata stumbled out with Naruto, Shino's chakra control is so off that his bugs are starting to escape, and Kiba's drunk under a table kissing his dog."

"Hmm... that doesn't sound so good," Kakashi observed.

Kurenai groaned.

Obviously feeling left out, Gai declared in his most manly voice, "And as for MY students, Neji has evidently completed his mission and has left. Tenten is socializing most brilliantly in her stunning gown, and your Sakura has obviously succumbed to my Lee's irresistible charm, as the two of them are dancing most intimately!"

Kakashi blinked, attempting to locate the two on the dance floor. Sakura and Lee dancing... intimately... that was highly suspicious... and disturbing...


	7. Chapter 7

Operation: Genin Dance

Persepolis130

Notes: Okay... just to restate, this fic includes a bit of yaoi, but is NOT a yaoi-focused fic. Rejoice or sulk accordingly. Secondly, this is the NAUGHTY chapter. Again, rejoice or sulk accordingly.

Now, can people get arrested in Konoha? And damn those beer goggles! And angsty Neji as well, damn him too.Oh, and is it just me girls, or is Tenten anyone else's IDOL at the end of this chapter?? hee-hee! Alrighty, enjoy the ensuing naughtiness!

CHAPTER 7

Sakura sighed at the emptying dance floor. Sasuke was nowhere in sight, and she'd been so busy she'd never even gotten a chance to ask him to dance.

Though neither had Ino, at least.

Glancing beside her, she saw Lee with a glass of punch in his hands. Spiked punch. Not entirely sure why, but fairly clear on the idea that Lee and alcohol would not mix, she took the cup from him and drank it herself. Lee beamed.

Wow, that was strong!

Sakura sighed, stomach feeling strange. Well, it was probably time... "Lee?"

"YES!!"

"Would you like to... uh... dance now?" she asked with a cringe.

The boy shot to his feet, right hand gripping his heart and left hand fisted. "I would be--"

"Don't do that," Sakura commanded, grabbing his elbow and leading him toward the floor. Honestly, things were bad enough already.

Lee calmed down enough to make it to the dance floor, at which point Sakura grabbed his shoulders and stood him directly in front of her. It was difficult because of the constant ecstatic jittering.

"No fancy stuff now! Just regular old slow dancing. Got it??" She pointed a finger at him accusingly.

"Of course, my love!"

Sakura sighed and took the proper dancing position as a boy near to them started to chortle.

Inner Sakura fumed. "I KNOW we're wearing matching outfits! Shut your big, fat mouth, you MORON!!"

Outer Sakura smiled weakly, fingers resting lightly against Lee's shoulders, and braced herself for the worst as they started to move.

But the worst didn't come.

Instead, she found herself and Lee swaying quite pleasantly with the music, not too close but not unduly far apart, the older boy's hands resting comfortably at her waist. It was actually... sort of nice.

Inner Sakura scratched her head. What the hell??

"Uh...Lee..." She started, "Have you uh... had lessons or something...?"

Lee's grin couldn't have been any wider. "Tenten taught me!!"

"Uh... okay..." Sakura muttered confusedly, remembering Tenten's chicken-with-its-head-cut-off style.

Sighing, Sakura reminded herself of the real reason she had invited Lee to dance. Because Lee was the one person who would do absolutely anything she asked. Even if it made no sense whatsoever, if it made her happy, she was sure he'd do it without question. And she HAD to accomplish her mission. Sasuke would be so upset if she didn't!

But could she really do it? Ask him to...

Oh, she felt ill.

But she wouldn't lose the competition for her team! She COULDN'T!

Here goes nothing:

"Lee, I was wondering... if you would... uh..."

"Anything, my angel!!"

"Uh... well... I'd really like it if you'd..." What was she going to say? How would she ask him to STREAK?!

That would involve--

And then reality hit her. If she asked Lee to streak, he would be NAKED. As in, wearing NOTHING.

For a split second, the image of a naked, strutting Lee danced across her mind. Inner Sakura hurled.

"Are you alright, Sakura? You don't look so good..."

No no no no she couldn't do it! She didn't want to see that!! She COULDN'T see that!!

Sakura moaned. That was it. She couldn't possibly ask him. It would mean the loss of her sanity and that of all the readers of this fic!

"I think it's the punch..." she murmured half-falsely in response, pulling her hands down from around his neck as she stopped dancing. "Maybe you could just..." Sakura sighed in resignation, all hope of accomplishing her mission gone, "Walk me home?"

Not even possessing the strength to smack Lee when he started leaping about triumphantly, Sakura sighed. Well, at least this way he'll keep his clothes on, she decided.

Now she just had to make sure her Mom didn't see him when he dropped her off, or she'd never hear the end of it...

XXXXX

Neji was sitting backwards at a picnic table, his back pressed against the tabletop, when Tenten found him. She slid onto the bench beside him, smoothing her poofy dress around her legs.

"I've been looking everywhere for you. What happened?" she asked quietly.

Neji sighed. "It doesn't matter."

"You seem pretty upset for it not to matter," said Tenten, softly touching his shoulder.

Neji tipped his head back and gazed at the stars, moving away from her touch. "I failed my mission."

"Oh."

She didn't need to know about the rest.

"You know, it's not really that big of a deal, Neji. I mean, it was sort of a practice mission anyway. I think the senseis just thought it would be fun." Tenten said from beside him.

Neji didn't look at her.

Tenten fidgeted. "Well, at least you got to go to the dance, right? That was fun, wasn't it?"

Still staring into the sky but not really seeing it, Neji said through clenched teeth, "It was hideous."

"Oh."

Neji felt a little bad when he heard Tenten's reply. She seemed sad. He thought for a moment that maybe it was because of that awful dress she was constantly fussing with, but it somehow didn't seem like that was it.

"Neji?" she asked.

"Hm?" He could feel her move a bit closer to him, but he still didn't look at her, opting for an examination of the darkening sky.

"Have you ever... kissed a girl?" his teammate asked in a quiet voice.

The big dipper's light flickered out momentarily as Neji blinked.

"No. Why would I have?" he asked. Where had this come from?

"Do you want to?"

Tearing his eyes from the evening sky, he looked at her then, square in the face. A pinkness that matched her dress had spread across her cheeks, and her eyes looked surprisingly intense in the semi-darkness. She smelled like hydrangea.

No words came to mind, so Neji said nothing.

It was a strangely detached, vaguely surreal feeling as Tenten slowly drew near, bringing her mouth to his. Time seemed to slow as she approached, and he closed his eyes just in time to feel something warm and soft press against his lips.

The feel of Tenten's lips, slick from her shiny pink lipstick, made Neji wonder vaguely if his would also be pink when they finished. Her mouth moved against his, her lips pressing in more forcefully as she shifted on the bench. Neji had to admit that it felt surprisingly nice.

A soft hand slowly ran itself behind his neck, and Neji felt his head being angled down. It took him a moment to grasp what was happening when her tongue ran gently across his bottom lip.

Neji didn't realize he'd parted his lips until he felt Tenten's tongue slide between them. He gasped quietly at the sensation, taking in the warm, damp air from her mouth. As he experimentally touched her tongue with his own, Neji felt his insides twist with satisfaction.

Tenten, shifting again, put an arm around his shoulder, while her other hand pushed up into his hair, massaging his neck. It made him shiver.

Neji realized that his hands had been gripping the bench for some time, and he wrenched one of them free, vaguely perplexed to feel it settle in the small of his teammate's back. He pressed her closer as their tongues mingled inside his mouth.

Feeling Tenten's tongue withdraw, Neji followed it with his own, entering her mouth, which was hot and soft. She tasted good, like strawberries and mint candy. He hadn't thought someone could taste like that.

Bringing his hand to the base of her neck, drawing her closer, he could feel the oddly comfortable sensation of her breasts pressing against his chest.

Tenten's body shook against him, and Neji felt a warm sensation originating just below his navel start to fill his body. Before he realized it, he was gripping her more tightly, plunging his tongue deeper into her mouth, the hot moistness intoxicating him.

Why had he never done something like this before?

In the middle of this bliss, Tenten shifted her weight in one fluid motion onto his lap, now above him and kissing downward into his mouth. Settling in, she slid one of her thighs between his, her knee bumping startlingly against a now very sensitive location. Shock filtered through Neji, his nerve endings jumping excitedly with the sensation of being touched there for the very first time.

Panting, he felt Tenten's hand loosen from its hold on his neck and slide slowly down his chest. Her fingers ghosted delightfully over the tightened muscles in his stomach, coming to a halt as they hooked into the top of his pants. He felt her tug sharply against the button.

Suddenly, Neji didn't feel so right anymore.

The warm twisting inside him unexpectedly wrenched his gut, and he gasped at the unbearably painful feeling. Somehow, this wasn't right. But what...?

And then it hit him like a kunai through the chest.

Tearing his mouth from Tenten's, Neji jerked free of the fingers inching into his pants. He felt the sudden need to be away from her, to be gone from this place. Not knowing what else to do, he unceremoniously dumped his teammate on the ground.

Startled, Tenten gasped in shock as her backside hit the earth. She lay sprawled on the ground as Neji stood up and stepped over her, away from the picnic table.

"I can't do this." Neji said, not sure if this was supposed to be an apology, and if it was, whether he was apologizing to her or to himself.

"Wha-- why not??" Tenten's lipstick was smeared down onto her chin, and her flushed face had a hurt look to it. Not having bothered to move from where she landed, her pink satiny panties peeked out from under her now soiled dress.

Neji felt ill.

"I'll see you at training tomorrow," was all he could say as he walked quickly away from her toward the path to his house.

"Neji?? NEJI?!" he heard, but he kept walking, somehow feeling more ashamed than he had ever felt in his life. He felt the distinct, highly unwelcome prick of tears come to his eyes, but he blinked several times to dispel them.

Best to forget about all of this, he decided.

Yes, forget about Tenten and how her hair smelled like flowers and her lips felt like silk, and the way her fingers felt making their slow trail down your chest.

But most of all, forget about Uchiha Sasuke and how his mouth would feel against yours, his slick tongue slipping between your lips, his knee pressing in sharply between your thighs, and his strong fingers working at your pants.

Just forget, and it will all go away, Neji told himself angrily.

It always goes away.

XXXXX

Tenten sat on the ground, hugging her knees to her chest, the hot prickling of tears rising behind her eyelids.

She didn't understand this at all. She'd liked Neji for so long, and Neji had seemed happy with her tonight. She knew he wasn't used to this sort of thing-- dancing and socializing and having fun-- but he certainly seemed like he was trying his best. And she had thought, when they were sitting outside together...

She felt the tears leak from her eyes and leave wet trails down her cheeks, but she couldn't bring herself to wipe them away. She'd thought that maybe, just maybe, Neji had liked her back. She heard herself sob, and she buried her head in her skirt.

When her lips had touched his, she was sure she felt something from him. She knew he'd liked it. And the way he kissed her back, tongue sweeping over hers and into her mouth, so warm and sweet, she knew he'd wanted her.

What was wrong? Why did he pull away like that? Was she going too fast? Wasn't she a good kisser? Didn't he like her dress?

Tenten shook her head.

No, impossible. It's not like Neji was a prude, and all the boys told her she was a fantastic kisser, and everyone loved her pretty, pretty princess dress. She looked at it now, dirt-stained and crumpled, and heard herself cry louder.

Was being loved too much to ask for??

"Tenten?"

Stumbling to her feet and quickly trying to wipe the tears away, Tenten found Choji looking at her with a concerned expression. She suddenly felt childish and embarrassed.

"Oh," she sniffed, "Choji, I... I was just... well, my dress..." she motioned toward her ruined gown, not wanting to admit what had happened.

"Oh, that's too bad..." the podgy boy said, instinctively opening a bag of potato chips.

Tenten smiled tearfully, "Yeah. Yeah it is."

"But it could be worse, you know," Choji continued.

Tenten sniffed. "What do you mean?"

"I could have worn it," he said with grin, his chubby cheeks dimpling.

Tenten giggled slightly hysterically. Yeah, that would definitely have been much worse.

"Don't worry, Tenten," Choji reassured, "Most boys are just really stupid."

Tenten stared at him, shocked. How had he known?

"Even the really smart ones are idiots when it comes to this stuff. Don't sweat it." He smiled, popping a chip into his mouth.

"Thanks," she sniffed.

"Hey, you don't play Go or Shougi, do you?" He asked suddenly.

"Uh... not really." Tenten flashed the boy a quizzical expression. "Why?"

"Just checking."

"CHOJI, WE'RE LEAVING!!" Tenten heard Ino yell.

"Sorry, I gotta go or Ino'll kill me. Don't worry too much, okay?" Choji told her, waving and heading in the direction of Ino's voice.

"I won't. Thanks."

"Oh, and Tenten?" he added, pausing for a moment.

"Yeah?"

"You might want to think about getting some dancing lessons. Just a thought."

Tenten blinked. Dancing lessons? Did he think she really danced that badly? Did EVERYONE think she danced that badly?!

She fumed silently, sadness forgotten. She'd had dancing lessons for years as a child! She could dance circles around any of them! In her sleep!! For god's sake, she'd even taught LEE to dance!!

Didn't they know that was her MISSION?! IT WAS HER MISSION, DAMNIT!!

DANCE HORRIBLY TO ALL FAST SONGS!!!

What kind of morons were they?!

"I'm an amazing dancer!" she proclaimed, shaking her fist angrily at the picnic table. "I am!!"

Screaming in frustration when the table didn't answer, Tenten hiked her dress halfway up her thighs and began to sway sensually in time with the music still pumping faintly from the dance hall. Moving fluidly and confidently with the beat and using all the blatantly sexy moves she could think of, she soundly demonstrated to the offending lawn furnishing just how truly spectacular a dancer she really was.

"You see!" she declared, giving her dress a sharp upward tug. "How do you like that?!"

"You are truly magnificent." A low, silky voice said from behind her. "Poetry in motion."

Dropping her dress and doing a quick three-sixty, Tenten found herself blankly regarding a completely unexpected figure.

"Shino??"

XXXXX

"...didn't even get a chance! It was just a little bit of punch! And then he just left!! Just like that! Can you believe that?!"

Shikamaru slouched, hands in his pockets, trying his hardest not to listen to Ino's complaints about Sasuke as he walked home with her and Choji. He pondered how much energy Ino must use moving her mouth so often. It must make her tired. He knew it made HIM tired.

And besides, he could think of much more pleasant things she could be doing with that mouth.

"...ever get a chance! What's a girl supposed to do?? Oh, this is just awful! I completely just can't believe this. Completely unbelievable." Ino babbled on.

Shikamaru, falling slightly behind her agitated gait, took advantage of it by sneaking another peek at her ass.

Choji offered Shikamaru a chip from the bag he was munching out of. He went to grab one, but Ino beat him to it, shoving her hand into the bag roughly. Shikamaru sighed, giving up, and put his hand back in his pocket.

He imagined rather graphically what he'd rather be doing with that hand and blushed, ducking his head.

They were almost to Ino's house, which was the closest, and were passing through a small park when Ino suddenly slid to a halt and grabbed both boys by the arm. Her hand was soft and warm against Shikamaru's wrist.

"WAIT!! YOUR MISSIONS!!"

Choji stared at his shoes, and Shikamaru gave a pained look. Here it came...

"Don't tell me you failed. Don't even tell me!" Ino pulled on one of the straps to her dress in distress.

Shikamaru idly contemplated what her chest would feel like as a pillow during his daily cloud-watching ventures.

"Uh..." Choji started.

"NO!" Ino stamped her foot. "Shikamaru??"

"Whatever..." he responded, entranced by the way all that foot-stamping made her breasts bounce. How could he think about missions at a time like this?

"NONONO!! After I went through all that work! Now we get nothing! We'll lose for sure! Oh, this is awful!" Ino lamented loudly, flailing her arms.

Watching Ino's antics with an annoyed look, Shikamaru heaved a sigh. He wished she'd just die already. Or at least lean over a little more so he could get a better look at her boobs.

XXXXX

Lee really did try, Sakura admitted.

He got her food and drinks, took extensive dancing lessons, and had no end of compliments for her no matter how mean she was to him. She couldn't imagine a sweeter guy. He was even going out of his way to walk her home right now!

It was too bad he was the most hideous, fashion-incompetent, furry-browed dork she'd ever met.

Sigh.

Sakura put her hand to her overly-large forehead, feeling slightly disoriented from the punch. Damn, her glass had to have been from the bottom of the bowl! She'd barely even left the door, and she was starting to wonder if she'd even make it home.

A vague wave of lightheadedness rolled over Sakura, and she took hold of Lee's arm to steady herself. He smiled.

He's so sweet, Sakura thought. Why couldn't he be just a LITTLE handsome??

Looking up at him again, the pink-haired girl blinked. Hey... he didn't look so bad now...

"NO!! It's the alcohol!!" screamed Inner Sakura.

Right, thought Sakura. The alcohol. Damn.

But looking at him again, Sakura had to do a double-take. No, she could just swear he was much cuter now!

"Beer goggles!! BEER GOGGLES!!" Inner Sakura screeched.

Sakura pouted, stealing another glance at Lee. His dazzlingly white smile stopped her in her tracks.

"NONONO!!" Inner Sakura implored.

Sakura took a deep breath. So what if it was just because she was sort of drunk. He was so sweet to her! And it's not like she was going to do something crazy like kiss him or anything...

Well... maybe just... on the cheek...

Inner Sakura lie twitching on the ground and was thus unable to comment.

Sakura leaned forward, closing her eyes to block out the spinning, and aimed toward Lee's cheek.

But her lips connected only with thin air as she pitched forward, landing soundly in the dirt.

Sakura sat blank-faced on the ground, not knowing if she should be angry, confused, or highly relieved.

Lee stood several feet from her, completely oblivious, pointing vigorously back at a picnic table near the hall.

"Hey Sakura, is that Tenten giving Shino a lap dance?" he asked.

XXXXX

"AAAAAAAHHHH!" Yamanaka Ino shouted.

The repercussions of her night of Sasuke stalking suddenly hit Ino full force, and she put her hands to her head in panic. This was horrible!!

She had come to the dance looking her absolute best-- her hair was perfectly coiffed, her makeup was perfectly applied, and her dress was perfectly revealing. There was no comparison between her and the other girls at the dance; that was how incredible she looked!

Yet with everything she'd gone through to assure a perfect night, even following her stupid mission to talk about moronic, imaginary kissing jutsus, she hadn't even danced with anyone! Of course, no one but Sasuke was important enough to WANT to dance with, but someone who looked THIS good should have been fending boys off with a stick! All the other girls had danced with someone! Even Hinata!

Oh no, Ino thought, I'm the most pathetic one!!

She screwed her eyes shut and shook her head back and forth rapidly, trying to force the dismal truth away. How could this have happened?!

When she opened her eyes, she saw Choji regarding her quizzically over a bag of potato chips. Letting out a cry of distress, Ino moved her eyes to Shikamaru, who was in the middle of a serious pout.

Staring at her sulking teammate, she realized there was only one way to remedy this situation. It wasn't exactly what she would have chosen, but at this point, it was her only option. The only way not to be the biggest, fattest loser on the whole entire earth.

"Shikamaru, kiss me!" she demanded, hands on her hips.

Yes, if someone kissed her, even if it was only stupid Shikamaru, at least she would have proof of her obvious desirability. She wouldn't have to tell anyone who kissed her-- she could just let them think it was someone respectable.

Her teammate's face went suddenly blank, and his jaw dropped. "Huh?"

"It's the only way! Just do it!!" She stamped her right foot, which only made Shikamaru's expression even stranger.

"Uh..." he said, his face starting to flush.

"Now, Shikamaru!" she insisted, stamping again.

"Um..." the red-faced boy's hands went up in front of him defensively, a bead of sweat dripping down his forehead.

"Oh honestly! Do I have to do everything myself?" she questioned angrily.

"Er..." he managed as she stalked up to him. He looked highly alarmed, substantially intimidated, and wholly submissive... which somehow made him look... sort of cute...

Huh, maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all, Ino thought as she smacked away his still defensively positioned hands, grabbed his shoulders, and brought her lips solidly to his. A vague squeaking noise came from Shikamaru's throat as their lips connected.

Ino had intended to pull away as soon as a kiss had been achieved. After all, the longevity was completely irrelevant. But his lips were so... warm... she found herself pressing against them just because of how nice they felt.

When she finally realized she'd lingered in such a compromising position for far too long, feeling vaguely horrified at herself, Ino decided she should really stop before Shikamaru got the impression she was liking it. Because of course she wasn't. She would only ever like kissing Sasuke.

But then something happened.

She felt her arms creep around her teammate's waist and her mouth open to his. His hands were running up her naked back, and she felt his tongue enter her mouth, hot and sweet as it began to move against hers.

Ino heard a muffled moan and dazedly realized it was her own voice. She pressed firmly against Shikamaru, drawn by his heat, his strength, and the way his chest moved up and down with his excited breathing.

Never had Ino thought it would feel like this. Sure, she'd practiced frenching on the back of her hand-- she didn't want to be clueless when Sasuke finally came to his senses-- but she hadn't expected the sudden delicious light-headedness, the irresistible urge to press her body forward, or the way an astonishing and shivery warmth was building in her belly.

Suddenly, it was all too much, and Ino felt her knees give, world spinning as the ground suddenly rushed up to meet her. Shikamaru didn't miss a beat, his lips still firmly attached to hers as he knelt above her, one of his hands sliding smoothly up her thigh and under her dress.

"Uh, guys?" Choji's startlingly loud voice cut through the hushed sounds of their breathing. "It's getting kind of late... you think we'll be leaving soon?"

"Too troublesome," Ino felt Shikamaru murmur against her lips, his hot breath puffing against her cheek as he shifted his attention to her earlobe.

Spontaneously forgetting about Choji as Ino felt Shikamaru's hand become more inquisitive under her dress, she squeezed her eyes shut in a silent entreaty:

Please don't be mad, Sasuke!

XXXXX

Choji hummed happily as he strode down the street toward home, opening his last bag of chips.

He'd known Shikamaru liked Ino for a long time, but getting the boy to admit something that might require some sort of effort was nearly impossible, even for his best friend.

Choji had no doubt Shikamaru could have had Ino any day of the week if he'd just put his mind to it. Choji really couldn't blame his friend for not going after her, no matter how hot she was. Ino was just such a drama queen sometimes, and all her swooning and obsessing over Sasuke could be really obnoxious, even though it was blatantly obvious the Uchiha would never return her affections. Choji was absolutely positive he was gay.

So as far as Choji was concerned, it was about time his teammates got it on.

Though he hardly expected they'd start going at it right in front of him. In the middle of a public park. But he had to admit, it was sort of cool that way.

Yeah, he'd have to get the details from Shikamaru tomorrow. Lots and lots of details.

Walking by an alley, Choji heard a strange sound that made him turn his head.

Peeking toward its source, he was fairly shocked to find Kiba bent over against a building spewing, Akamaru whimpering faintly at his feet. Having known many a stomach ache in his day, Choji's belly twisted in sympathy as he approached the boy, sticking his chips safely back in his pocket.

"You okay, Kiba?" he asked.

"Ooooh... I think I drank too much..." Kiba observed.

"Yeah, you're sort of trashed," Choji agreed. He'd had a few glasses of the punch himself, but given that he'd eaten so much, it hadn't really affected him. Still, it was startling that Kiba had managed to get this blitzed in such a sort time.

"Yeah..." Kiba scratched the back of his head as Akamaru sniffed his vomit.

"Want me to walk you home?" Choji asked, cringing as the puppy started to lick at the nasty, smelly mess on the ground.

Kiba seemed not to notice the dog as he surveyed the alley, scenting the air. "No, we're not done yet."

"With what?"

Kiba gave a shit-faced grin, nausea apparently already forgotten. Staggering across the alley, he chuckled as he tilted to lean against a door, heavy fingers working on the zipper to his pants.

Choji blinked, feeling lost. He looked away, embarrassed, and felt his eyes settle on Akamaru, who was now licking up Kiba's vomit. The chubby genin swallowed hard, feeling queasy.

Looking back at Kiba, he saw that the boy was now contentedly peeing on the door.

Am I being punished? Choji wondered.

Tucking himself back into his pants, Kiba whistled, and Akamaru trotted toward him, carefully avoiding stepping in the pool of puke he'd been lapping up.

"Let's go, boy!" the wolfish genin yelled.

"Uh... Kiba...? What're you doing...?" Choji asked hesitantly, frightened of what the answer might be. Cautiously following the other boy and his dog, his stomach churned as he stepped over the vomit. The normally delicious smell of potato chips wafting up from his pocket made the bile rise in Choji's throat.

"No, no, over there, Akamaru!" Kiba gestured vaguely across the alley as his dog lifted his leg. "We already marked that one!"

Choji gaped as Kiba staggered from door to door, sprinkling each as he went, Akamaru by his side sniffing, barking, and occasionally pissing.

Tripping on a loose paving stone, Kiba lost his balance and smacked back against a wall, leaning there dazedly. Choji was afraid the boy had hurt himself until he saw Kiba was grinning ferally while watching a steamy yellow stream spout from under Akamaru's raised leg.

"Good boy!" Kiba shouted in a raucous voice, "by morning, this whole place will be ours!"

Akamaru barked excitedly.

"That's right, Akamaru! It's all our territory now!!" Kiba hollered as he stuffed himself messily back into his pants and wandered tipsily across the street to start on another row of houses.

Forcing his revulsion down, Choji sighed, now quite firm in the notion that he had to get Kiba home before the erratically urinating boy was either injured or arrested.

XXXXX

Tenten sighed, pulling drowsily at the covers as she cuddled down into her nice, warm bed. For a while there, she had thought the evening was ruined. Neji, the boy she'd liked forever, had completely rejected her, barely even letting her cop a feel.

But as the rumpled, trench coat-covered princess dress on the floor attested, everything came out just fine in the end.

Smiling softly, Tenten ran her fingers down the sweat-slicked skin of Shino's chest, and his arms tightened around her, soft lips pressing against her forehead. Her legs felt comfortable entangled in his, and his heartbeat was strong and steady against her.

Even the constant vibration from the tens of thousands of revolting bugs just under his skin felt curiously restful.

Tenten snuggled closer, wondering dreamily if they were actually finished this time. Hazily, she recalled Shino telling her that the Phoreticovelia disparata bug mated for four days straight.

Yes, he might not be her white-eyed knight in shining armor, but he sure as hell made her feel like a princess!


	8. Chapter 8

Operation: Genin Dance

Persepolis130

Notes: Holy writer's block, Batman!! This chapter took forever, and it's so short! Oh, and sorry about Naruto's gaybashing-- he's just being a baka!

CHAPTER 8

"How could you have written a STREAKING mission?!"

Kakashi smiled, overflowing with good humor. Making his kids miserable was just so much fun!

"Hey, you could have asked me, Sakura. I'd have done it!" Naruto nodded vigorously, trying his best to seem incredibly helpful.

"As if you don't get into enough trouble on your own!" Sakura ranted. "And what sort of prank did you pull anyway? I didn't see you do anything..."

"Well, I didn't get a chance to do one..." Naruto looked very serious, "but I did have a really SWEET one planned with Sasuke and exploding--"

"NARUTO!!"

"Hey, stop YELLING! I accomplished MY mission! I asked all the girls to dance!"

"Mmm," assented Kakashi, "And what about your teammate's mission?"

The two genin turned to Sasuke. "Naturally."

Sakura squealed her girlish glee at Sasuke's inherent uber-coolness.

"And what did your mission happen to be?" their sensei asked.

Sasuke scowled and dug into his pocket, offering up his slip of paper to Kakashi.

Chuckling to himself as he noted the irony, Kakashi read out the mission:

ASK A HANDSOME, SPIRITED YOUTH TO GO OUT ON A DATE WITH YOU BY EXPRESSING YOUR ADMIRATION FOR HIS SKILL AND BEAUTY!

Sakura gasped and flushed brightly as Naruto laughed his head off.

"Ah, and whom did you ask?" Kakashi questioned, highly amused.

Trying to ignore Naruto's mirthful guffaws, Sasuke responded, "Neji."

This only made Naruto laugh harder, and the blond fell to the ground, clutching his stomach.

"I don't like him, moron! It was my mission!" Sasuke admonished. He kicked at Naruto's head, but to no avail.

"But Neji's not handsome..." Sakura pondered aloud.

Kakashi's visible eye widened. "Really...? Is that true, Sasuke?" Oh, how amusing!

Sasuke growled. "Of course he's not!!"

"So you're sure you don't think he's handsome..." Kakashi put his hand to his chin in contemplation, feeling pleasantly evil.

"I'm not like that!!" Sasuke looked highly offended.

Kakashi regarded the slip of paper Sasuke had handed him with mock interest. "Hmm... perhaps you didn't clearly read the mission Gai-sensei so carefully wrote for you. It says here you must ask a HANDSOME YOUTH."

"I don't like boys!" Sasuke shouted, looking even more irritated.

Naruto howled with laughter.

Sakura looked despondent.

"Well," Kakashi sighed in false sympathy, "it looks like you failed your mission."

"NO! I asked him to go out with me! Shikamaru saw it!" a pained look crossed the boy's face.

"I'm not saying you didn't ask," Kakashi told him, noting with interest the mention of the Nara boy's name. "I'm saying you asked the wrong 'youth.'"

Sakura took Sasuke's stunned silence as her cue to enter the conversation. "But I'm sure SOMEBODY thinks Neji is handsome!"

"Yes, but this was Sasuke's mission." Kakashi gave his student a serious look. "Now Sasuke, is Neji handsome or not?"

Sasuke growled as he glared daggers at Kakashi, his fists balled, jaw set, and eyes sharinganed. "No," he spat.

"I'm highly disappointed," Kakashi told his team. "Only one mission accomplished out of three. What do you have to say for yourselves?"

"Grr," snarled Sasuke.

"Mmmm..." pouted Sakura.

"Hahahahahahahahahaha!! QUEER!!" cackled Naruto.

Kakashi grinned. Such entertainment!

XXXXX

Asuma lit another cigarette, breathing in its sweet flavor, as he regarded his students.

Choji munched barbecue-flavored chips while Ino pouted and Shikamaru smirked.

Interesting.

"So...?" the jounin asked. This was going to be good...

Ino sighed and offered, "I completed my mission. I had to brag about fake kissing jutsus whenever someone complimented me."

"Yeah, I completed mine, too," said Shikamaru, shifting slightly on his feet, hands stuck in the pockets of last night's wrinkled suit. It had apparently been too much effort to change.

Ino grabbed the boy's shoulder. "You said you didn't do it!"

Shikamaru shrugged, looking at her hand oddly. "It was: DANCE WITH ANYONE WHO ASKS AND GIVE THE ONE YOU LIKE BEST A GOODNIGHT KISS. I didn't have to do it."

Ino groaned and plopped down on the ground. "You could have just told me," she stuck her bottom lip out in an excellent imitation of Shikamaru's pout.

Shikamaru sighed, looking at the cross-legged girl out of the corner of his eye, face flushing.

Asuma eyed the two of them suspiciously. What exactly was going on here?

"Hey, I completed mine, too," added Choji between bites.

Ino leaped to her feet, pointing accusingly. "You said you failed, too!"

"I hadn't done it yet when you asked," he said.

"Well, what was it then?" she demanded, looking highly exasperated.

"Mmm..." He dug into his pocket and pulled out a slightly sticky paper, handing it over with greasy fingers to Asuma when Ino held up her hands in disgusted refusal.

PLAY MATCHMAKER FOR ONE OF YOUR TEAMMATES, NOT STOPPING UNTIL YOU'VE SUCCEEDED IN SETTING THEM UP WITH SOMEONE, their sensei read, regarding Ino expectantly.

"WHAT?!" the blonde's jaw dropped.

Shikamaru snorted, looking pleased with himself.

"Oooooh..." Ino moaned, plunking herself back down on the ground, banging her head against her knees.

Asuma hid his smile behind his hand as he took a deep drag off his cigarette. Ah, so THAT was the new dynamic!

"Yeah, I tried getting Shikamaru to admit who he liked all night, but he wouldn't," continued Choji. "You were the obvious choice though, Ino."

Ino whimpered.

Asuma cleared his throat to keep from laughing. "And what exactly made her the 'obvious choice,' Choji?"

"Well," the boy explained, "she's got the nicest rack."

"Hn!" snorted Shikamaru, the look on his face the exact one he gave upon thoroughly trouncing his sensei at Go.

Asuma couldn't help laughing.

"Oh, my life is over!" bemoaned Ino.

XXXXX

"Tenten, my dear! What is tardiness?"

"Tardiness is an evil which strips us of our youthful capacity to acquire ability by depriving us of the highly important element of time," the girl recited guiltily as she took her place next to her teammates.

"And what is our excuse for this evil today?" Gai-sensei questioned, bushy eyebrows raised. It was highly unlike Tenten to do something like this!

"Mmm..." Tenten blushed. "I... uh... slept in..."

"For two and a half hours?" Gai regarded his wrist as if he were wearing a watch, a look of dramatic shock on his face.

Tenten smiled dreamily. "Uuuh-huuuh..."

"Tenten!" exclaimed Lee, "You're glowing!"

"Hmmm..." she flushed even deeper, hands hugging her own waist and eyes dreamy.

"Ah, I sense youthful love in the air!!" proclaimed Gai, striking a pose. "How marvelous!!"

"Congratulations, Tenten!!" Lee shouted, fist raised in an ode to her triumph of love.

"Yes Lee, she's becoming a woman before our very eyes!!" the jounin cried, fist raised and eyes gleaming with pride.

"She is?!" Lee's eyes bugged as he scrutinized his teammate.

"It's obvious! For what else can propel us from the unknowing folly of youth to the lofty heights of adulthood but love? You must embrace the knowledge love brings! Bask in the glow of self-discovery! Acknowledge yourself as a sexual being! For to deny love in its purest, glistening, sensual form is--"

"May we PLEASE train now?" demanded a highly perturbed Neji.

XXXXX

Kakashi looked surprised when he saw Team 10 approaching his team's bridge meeting point.

Asuma nodded in greeting as he escorted his team toward Kakashi's. "We knew you'd be late, so we all just decided to meet here. Hope you don't mind."

Kakashi shrugged indifferently as he said over his shoulder, "Do it and you'll spend the rest of the day tied upside down and naked to that post with a gag in your mouth, Naruto."

"Eww!" squealed Ino and Sakura at the same instant.

"That is vile," stated Sasuke, arms crossed.

"I've seen worse," shrugged Choji.

"Hiya Sasuke sweetie!" Ino bubbled.

"This is a pain in the ass," informed Shikamaru.

"Hmph!" Naruto sulked, plans for his prank foiled yet again.

"Ah, the invigoration of youth rejuvenates me so!" declared a manly voice from the other side of the bridge.

"You look stunning, my angel!!" Lee greeted.

"Isn't it a lovely morning?" Tenten cooed.

"Ugh," groaned Neji.

"Hmm... Kurenai's not here yet... but it doesn't matter, since my team won anyway," stated Asuma.

"You seem pretty sure of that..." said Kakashi, eyeing the boastful jounin.

"We'll put your words to the test," Gai threatened, eyes narrowing.

"Hey Shikamaru, are they trash-talking?" asked Choji, licking his fingers.

"I don't know, but it's giving me a headache," Shikamaru responded.

"It's making me hungry," replied Choji.

"Me too!" agreed Naruto.

"This place is like a nut house," muttered Neji.

"You belong in a nut house," retorted Sasuke.

Neji fumed. "You take that back, you--"

The insanity was mercifully cut short by a sharp whistle as Kurenai, tight-jawed, ushered her bedraggled-looking team forward. Kiba looked pale as he mumbled to Akamaru, Hinata looked embarrassed to death, and Shino... well, he probably looked damn tired, but who could really tell?

"I am not amused," Kurenai said coldly, glaring at Kakashi. "And if I hear anything about lap dances, I claim no responsibility for the ensuing deaths."


	9. Chapter 9

Operation: Genin Dance

Persepolis130

Notes: That song Naruto's singing is certainly NOT Japanese--sorry! I found the quote from Confucius online, and as far as I know, it's a real one. Everything I wrote about the Phoreticovelia disparata is true except, amusingly, for the mating dance part!

Sorry about Neji's denial angst, but he really can't help it. It's fate. If, however, you would like to see more along these lines and are over 18 (or willing to compromise your youthful purity and pretend you are), I posted a SasuNeji lemon you might like on adultfanfictionDOTnet (check out my profile for a link).

CHAPTER 9

Kiba sprawled in a pathetic-looking heap as Akamaru licked his face, making soothing little grunts of support.

Some adult on the other side of the bridge was talking far too loudly about something. Kiba knew it must be important... about totaling points or protocol or something dealing with their missions... but the actual topic didn't register in befuddled brain.

To say that Kiba wasn't doing well was an understatement. His tongue was dry as Hidden Sand, the sun was killing his eyes, and his brain felt like it was going to explode.

And he didn't remember how he got home last night.

Uncorking his water canteen with shaky fingers, Kiba coaxed a few last drops from the bottom of it. Why the hell was he so thirsty after all he'd drank last night...??

Groaning miserably, Kiba buried his face in Akamaru's fur. I'm never drinking again, he resolved.

A soft yip from his dog and a nudge on his shoulder brought him back from his current bout of self-pity.

Shino was holding his own canteen out to his teammate, already uncorked and dripping lusciously with condensation.

Kiba tipped his head in thanks as he took hold of the offered jug and proceeded to drain it in slow, cautious sips.

Handing the empty container back to his teammate, he asked weakly "Hey Shino, how'd you fail your mission anyway? ...and why were you so late for training?"

Shino looked pensive. "Confucius said: 'I have never seen a man who loves virtue as much as he loves a beautiful woman.' "

"What does that mean?" Eyeing Shino, Kiba could swear he saw the bug boy blush.

"Hey, did you hook up or something?"

"You did! You did, didn't-- aah, my head!-- didn't you!?"

"The Phoreticovelia disparata female secretes a sweet, highly-nourishing wax from a gland beneath her cranial carapace. She allows the male to ride her, settling into a custom-made hollow, while supping upon this delicious, protein-filled substance for days as he fills her with his seed. She is a highly enticing creature."

Kiba gaped, horror-struck, blurrily remembering Shino saying something last night about a mating dance. "Shino, you really need to warn a guy before you start saying things like that..."

Shino stood impassively as usual, evidently not seeing any particular problem with his statement.

But Hinata, blushing furiously, caught Kiba's eye, and he blinked at the girl with half-closed, stinging eyes. "Did you hook up too?"

"Aaaah!" gasped Hinata, covering her mouth and turning to avoid Kiba's gaze.

Damnit! thought Kiba as he rubbed his throbbing temples, Everyone scored but me!!

XXXXX

Naruto grinned, waving to Hinata. She waved cutely back, blushing madly. Naruto giggled, hands behind his head.

The sensei were talking about the missions and something about points, but Naruto didn't understand, so he ignored them. It was usually best that way.

Besides, seeing the adorably blushing Hinata reminded the blond that he had a much, much bigger issue to deal with this morning.

Ramen.

For some strange (yet cool) reason, Iruka-sensei had given him money for ramen last night. Yea!! Iruka-sensei was the best! And Naruto wasn't quite sure why, but his old sensei had told him to take Hinata.

Of course, Naruto could have bought more ramen with the money if Hinata hadn't come along, but it wasn't so bad having to share. Hinata was pretty fun if you got beyond the weirdness.

He did feel a little bad for her though. Hinata was so tired last night. When they were dancing, she stumbled a lot, and she'd had to lean on him all the way to Ichiraku. She must really train hard! And Hinata was really little, and she got injured really bad that one time, so she probably got tired really easily.

Yeah, that would be the only way to explain her falling. Luckily nobody else had been there, or he would have gotten in trouble for sure, just like last time, even though it totally wasn't his fault.

Naruto scratched his head as he pondered, eyes scrunched into tiny slits at the effort. It was really weird how that had happened. One minute, he was telling Hinata how he was going to become Hokage as he slurped the last of his ramen, and the next, her lips were touching his.

Yeah, she was so tired, she must have just fallen onto his lips! It was like that day in class with Sasuke, only wetter and more rameny.

He told her it was okay though, he wasn't mad. It wasn't her fault she trained so hard.

He looked at the girl again, trying to figure out how he could somehow get more ramen out of this deal.

"S-SPIKE THE PUNCH," he heard her say.

Naruto blinked. "Huh?"

"Shino's mission was to only talk about food, Kiba's mission was to hit on any girl he met, and Hinata's was to spike the punch. Pay attention, moron," Sasuke chastised coldly.

The blonde looked confused as he tried to decide whether he should attack Sasuke for insulting him or congratulate Hinata for being so cool.

"HINATA!!" Naruto cheered, the annoyed Sasuke forgotten, "That's the best!!"

As Kurenai smacked herself on the forehead quite loudly, Naruto "snuck" around Kiba to stand next to Hinata.

"Hey, Hinata!" he whispered not-so-quietly from behind his hand, "You think you can get us some more?"

Hinata looked intently at her shoes as Naruto smiled at the genius of his idea. What could be better than ramen but ramen and booze??

XXXXX

Shikamaru pouted as Naruto made a spectacle of himself once again. This was so annoying.

First of all, those wrappings were really obscuring his view of Ino's divinely sculpted thighs, and no matter what way he turned his head, he just couldn't get a satisfying look.

Second of all, he was tired as hell after last night's escapades, and he needed to get some serious napping in before he could come up with a plan for a repeat performance.

And last (and surely least), he'd figured out just about everybody's missions anyway, so what was the point?

Sighing as Kurenai droned on about something highly inconsequential, he noticed Choji leaning toward him, hand in front of his mouth. "Spill it."

His best friend looked perplexed. "What?"

"About Ino!" Choji whispered.

"Heh. Yeah." the brunet gave an uncharacteristically pleased look.

"What did she taste like?" Choji asked, searching for snacks.

Shikamaru blinked. "I'm going to pretend you didn't ask that."

"No, she ate one of my potato chips right before! Did she taste like chips?" he asked, crunching one between his teeth.

"Oh, you mean her MOUTH..." Shikamaru smirked.

Choji put his hand to his lips to cover his conspiratorial chuckling as the nearby Sasuke gave him an odd look.

"Shikamaru!" Asuma suddenly said.

"What?"

"Shikamaru, your mission." his sensei prompted.

"Yeah, yeah," he said, and he recited, "DANCE WITH ANYONE WHO ASKS AND GIVE THE ONE YOU LIKE BEST A GOODNIGHT KISS."

"That was the perfect mission for you, Shikamaru!" Tenten smiled.

Choji nodded and smiled and then pulled out the rumpled paper containing his own mission.

"PLAY MATCHMAKER FOR ONE OF YOUR TEAMMATES, NOT STOPPING UNTIL YOU'VE SUCCEEDED IN SETTING THEM UP WITH SOMEONE," he read proudly, giving a broad smile. He smacked Shikamaru's back companionably, sending the unusually content boy flying.

Ino, who was standing next to Sakura, bit her lip as she saw the two boys snickering.

OH!! She was going to kill those two! Shikamaru probably told that fatty everything!

Ino groaned as she realized what "everything" entailed.

This was terrible! How could she have done this? There was just no way she had sex with him! Oh, and in a park where absolutely anyone could see! Ino, what were you thinking?!

Damn, and now everyone would know! She was shamed! Sasuke would never want her now! It would be like sloppy seconds!!

Okay, deep breath. Calm down. It'll be alright. Sasuke doesn't need to know how far it went. When someone asks, you just tell them...

"Ino?" she heard Sakura's voice ask. "Are you alright?"

Oh no! What would she say? How would she explain...

Yes! The perfect response! It neither confirmed nor denied, freeing her from the truth while refraining from all falsehood!

"We just fooled around!" Ino declared, "It didn't mean anything!!"

"Fooled around?! What are you talking about??" Sakura looked baffled. "Hey, did Choji set YOU up with someone?"

"Eh..." Ino looked pale as she glanced at a smug-looking Shikamaru.

Sakura's jaw dropped. "HIM?!"

"It was nothing!!" Ino declared, tilting her head cutely and batting her eyelashes at Sasuke. Leaning to rub her hand against his shoulder, she declared. "You know I'm saving myself for you, sweetie!"

Sasuke started to push her hand off until his gaze, attempting to fall anywhere but on the brazen kunoichi, happened to meet Neji's. Sasuke took a deep breath and said loudly, "Just because I don't want to go out with you, it doesn't mean anything!"

"What?" Ino asked, eyes huge. Did he just say, "go out with you"...?

"I'm not like that!" Sasuke declared.

Ino blinked, feeling her face flush. She could just swear she heard something about going out with her...

"Haha!" shouted Naruto, "Sasuke's a--"

"I'M NOT!"

"Not WHAT?!" pleaded Ino, utterly confounded. Did Sasuke want to go out with her??

"NOTHING!!" shouted Sasuke.

"Stop talking about it, Naruto!!" shouted Sakura, face red with anger.

"Talking about WHAT?!" Ino cried. She just knew she'd heard "go out with you"!!

"NOTHING!!" It was Neji who yelled this time.

"Hey, quit yelling," grumbled Kiba, pressing a hand to his forehead. "Some of us are really hung over!"

Sasuke grunted at Kiba's comment and turned away, presenting Ino with a solid view of the back of his head.

"Grrrrr!" Damn you, Kiba! Ino thought vehemently at the whimpering boy, flipping him off for good measure.

Just when Sasuke was about to ask her out!!

XXXXX

"Are we next, Sensei??" Lee's voice blared through the various muffled muttering.

"Yes, Lee! Begin!!" Gai posed heroically.

"Right!! DECLARE IN FRONT OF EVERYONE YOUR SENTIMENTS OF LOVE AND--"

"Lee!! Wait! I must confess to you!!" his sensei exclaimed in distress, hand against his forehead.

"Sensei??"

"I heard your most magnificent declaration!!"

"You... heard...??" Lee asked, lip quivering.

"Never have I heard an avowal filled with such emotion!!" Gai's overwhelming eyebrows knit together in his ardor, fist banging against his chest.

Pressing his hands to his eyes, Lee sobbed loudly, tears streaming down his cheeks like rivers overflowing their banks. "I dreamed you had!!"

Taking his protégé's shoulders firmly in his hands and lifting his chin to look him in the eye, emotion cracked loudly in Gai's manly voice. "You fill my heart with such joy!!"

"SENSEI!!" cried Lee, burying his head in his mentor's chest.

"LEE!!" the jounin cried, taking the tearful boy in his arms.

"I'm so proud!" exclaimed Gai, tears in his eyes as he gripped Lee firmly to his chest. "...so proud..."

"Aw hell! They're at it again!!" Sakura and her inner self screamed at the same moment.

"Oh wow. That is SO disturbing," shivered Ino, aghast.

"Yeah, it's not really something you can get used to," Tenten sighed, looking away.

Kiba groaned. "No Akamaru, you can't hump his leg."

"Why don't those two get a room already," scowled Shikamaru.

"I don't think this is that sort of fic," Choji supplied.

"It's not?" Kiba looked flustered.

"I feel funny inside," Naruto pondered aloud.

"That doesn't turn me on," stated Sasuke.

"I think I'm going to be sick," murmured Neji.

XXXXX

Luckily for Shino, he had perfected the art of sleeping on his feet. Ordering his bugs to alert him if anything terribly important came up, this well-honed skill had saved him many times in the past. Today's manly embrace was no exception.

Shino was brought back to himself when he heard the lovely voice of his most exceptionally skilled mate.

"I had to DANCE TERRIBLY TO ALL FAST SONGS... but I failed," his beauty said.

Seeing the enticing pink flush spread across her cheeks made Shino lick his lips drowsily.

"Hey, hey! What about the dress??" he heard Naruto ask.

Tenten frowned most splendidly. "My princess dress? What about it?"

"Didn't you have to wear an ugly dress too?" Naruto looked unusually contemplative.

"Her dress was beautiful, Naruto! What are you talking about?!" Sakura shouted.

"What are you, nuts?!" hollered Naruto at ear-splitting decibels, "That dress was scary as hell!"

Shino frowned, blinking the sleep from his eyes. He could feel his bugs scuttle about in quickly increasing agitation. An insult to his most fastidiously chosen partner could not-- and would not-- be tolerated.

Turning to Naruto to be sure he got his point across, Shino stated deliberately, "Her dress was stunning." He made sure to look extra creepy when he said it.

"HUH!?" asked Naruto, turning to squint at him.

"It was the most exquisite garment I have ever laid eyes upon," Shino asserted in a voice slightly harsher than his customary monotone. He even went so far as to take his hands out of his, anxious bugs tickling inside the skin of his fingers.

This statement won him the most deliciously appreciative smile from his newly-acquired companion. "You really think so, Shino?" She put her index finger to her lips in a manner which was, in Shino's personal opinion, highly suggestive.

"It was spectacular," he managed to tell her with a slight incline of his head, adding mentally: Laying in a heap on the floor. The very thought set his body aflame, heart racing, face flushing, and bugs clamoring for release.

Shino took a deep, shaky breath. He knew they should have kept at the mating for the full four days.

XXXXX

"Hey Neji, who's winning?" Tenten whispered in her teammate's ear as Sakura announced something.

"Who the hell cares," he grumbled, trying his hardest not to look at his freakish sensei, who was currently patting his freakish teammate tenderly on the back.

Could this day get any worse?

He'd missed valuable training time because Tenten was late, and then when she showed up, she was acting all... gah...

But she couldn't possibly still like him... right? The very thought of that... Eeh...

And to add insult to injury, he'd next been assaulted by Gai-sensei's hideous lesson on love. Hearing the word "glistening" coming from his creepy sensei's mouth was enough to make him want to puncture his own eardrums.

And, of course, Neji had to deal with HIM after that. And Neji really didn't want to think about that, didn't want to be reminded of last night.

Being forced to admit today that he had failed his mission was disgraceful enough, but having to deal with the rest of it...?

Neji sighed. And was it all in his head, or was everyone making blatant gay references??

Adjusting his collar, Neji hid his grimace behind his hand. How the hell was he going to keep this quiet? It didn't matter how many people he kicked the crap out of, or how much fun he might have doing it. If this got out, everyone in the village would think Neji was some kind of queer!

Shikamaru already knew about it, but Neji had a feeling the boy wasn't talking. Though if Naruto found out... Neji shivered. That boy was incapable of keeping a secret.

Speaking of Naruto...

"WHAT?! I did SO complete my mission!!" Neji heard the obnoxious blond's voice shout.

"You didn't ask me!!" Ino was suddenly yelling. "COMPLIMENT EVERY MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX YOU SEE AND ASK THEM TO DANCE includes ME!"

"But you're always hanging on Sasuke! Why the hell would I wanna ask YOU?!"

"IDIOT!!" Sakura screeched. "You lost our points!!"

"Hey, he didn't do his mission either!" Naruto pointed accusingly at Sasuke.

Neji blinked. He didn't? An UCHIHA failed at something?

Utterly confused beyond belief, Neji looked at Sasuke.

Which turned out to be a bad idea.

The Uchiha's back was turned toward him, his hands stuffed deep in his pockets, pulling the fabric of his shorts incredibly tight across his marvelously firm--

Neji took a deep, shaky breath and shoved his hands in his own pockets to hide his shame. Fate was so cruel!

"The notion was ill-conceived and highly inappropriate," the Hyuuga heard Sasuke say. For no reason he could explain, Neji found that this statement aroused him even further.

"Poor Sasuke!! What was it!?" flirted Ino.

That girl was intolerable.

"I should never have received the mission in the first place. It's sexual nature is an affront to me," Sasuke informed defiantly.

The word "sexual" made Neji squirm, hands tugging the fabric of his pants.

"Sasuke, just tell us your mission already," Kurenai glared at Kakashi. What had that pervert done this time...?

Throwing Gai a murderous glare, Sasuke stated, "ASK A HANDSOME, SPIRITED YOUTH TO GO OUT ON A DATE WITH YOU BY EXPRESSING YOUR ADMIRATION FOR HIS SKILL AND BEAUTY."

Neji's head began to spin disconcertingly as he felt the blood drain from his face (as well as various other parts of his anatomy).

Ohgod. This was not happening, this was NOT happening, this was NOT HAPPENING!!

"So... that... was your... mission??" Neji asked as steadily as he could.

"What, did you think I'd ask you out for REAL??" Sasuke glared.

"NEJI and SASUKE sittin' in a tree! K-I-S-S-I--"

"Shut your hole, Naruto!" Sasuke snarled.

"Ha!" laughed Gai. "I hadn't thought about a BOY getting that one! How unfortunate!"

Kurenai groaned. If it wasn't perversion, it was idiocy...

"First comes LOVE, then comes MARRIAGE--" Naruto sang deafeningly.

"But then how'd Sasuke fail his mission if he asked Neji?" questioned Choji.

"--BABY carriage! SUCKIN' his thumb, PEEIN' his--"

"Eeee! Did you two KISS?!" Ino's enormous eyes sparkled with inner yaoi-loving fangirl fire. "Omigod, that's SO HOT!!"

"--do the HULA dance!! HAHAHAHA!!"

"We did not KISS! It is not HOT!" Sasuke exclaimed, fists clenched in anger. "And I do NOT like GUYS!"

Choji looked struck. "You don't?" Wow, that altered his worldview.

"Of course he doesn't," scowled Shikamaru, "he just propositions them in random bathrooms. And I'm scarred for life, just to let you two know."

"Faa-aag! Faa-aag! Faa-aag!" chanted Naruto gleefully as he bounded from one foot to the other.

Neji groaned and hid his face behind the collar of his shirt. This day couldn't possibly get any worse.

Of course, knowing what he did about fate, Neji should have realized how dangerous it was to think something like that...

XXXXX

Tenten, Neji, and Lee made their way through the forest on their trip back from the meeting, all slightly worse for the wear.

"Well, it COULD be worse," Tenten reasoned. "Who knows what kind of horrifying 'reward' Gai-sensei would have given us if we'd won!"

"But I wanted sensei's reward more than anything!!" Lee cried in distress.

Neji groaned. Not back to the gay references again...

"Just try harder next time, Lee!" Tenten suggested, shaking her head in pity.

"I know!!" declared the obsessively overenthusiastic boy. "We'll win next time if I can make it all the way home by leaping from branch to branch, telephone pole to telephone pole, and roof to roof without once setting my feet on the ground! And then if I can't do that, I'll run fifty times around--"

"Excellent idea. Why don't you start now?" Neji suggested with an unperceivable roll of his eyes. This sort of thing could go on for hours.

"Ah! Right!!" Lee declared, taking to the treetops.

His teammates watched indifferently as he sprung off into the distance.

"Damn, he's a freak," Neji scowled.

"Neji, now that we're alone, I just wanted to say, well..." Tenten started.

Neji gasped. Oh no. Here it came.

The Talk.

Tenten was always wanting to Talk with him about things no self-respecting man should ever even acknowledge. Like "friendship" and "trust" and the ever-terrifying "feelings."

Neji could feel the bile rising in his throat. He could NOT Talk about last night with her! About kissing and Sasuke and-- no, No, NO!! It could not happen! He just couldn't take it!!

"...Neji..."

He had to do something to stop her! Anything!! His sanity depended on it!!

"...I wanted to tell you--"

"I'm gay," Neji heard himself say. Wait, what?

Tenten stared at him blankly, and Neji blinked, confused. Did I just say I was...

Aw SHIT!! Why the hell did I just say that?!

Neji brought his hand to his mouth, as if to prove to himself that it had not been HIS lips that had loosed such a horrific utterance. But there they were, open and trembling beneath his fingers.

Neji's eyes grew large as he looked across at Tenten, whose face was strangely unreadable.

"Neji... you should've told me..." she finally said. "I would've understood..."

Why was she saying this? She acted like it was true!

"You know I'd support your decision... We're teammates, after all," Tenten told him, a look of sisterly understanding on her face.

What, she believed him?? Just one sentence like that, just one slip, and his fate was sealed?!

"I'm glad you made this decision... it's a big step."

Did she really think he was gay?! How could she think that?? They'd been teammates for so long, and THAT was what she thought about him?!

"And well... what I wanted to tell you was... I'm seeing someone else." She smiled sweetly. "So... I guess everything worked out in the end!"

Neji groaned and resisted the urge to pull out a kunai and slit his own throat, instead opting to turn a sharp ninety-degree angle toward home. His only hope now was to go to sleep, and wake up and find that the whole "gay" thing had been nothing but a horrible nightmare. Or... wake up and find Sasuke in his bed. He really wasn't that picky...

* * *

Mission List!!

Okay, so the sensei who wrote the mission is on top, followed by the mission and the genin who received it, with an X if it was completed, and an O if it wasn't. Each person gets 5 points for completing his/her mission, and a team can get 1 extra point for each mission they figure out for a member of another team. (Everyone met earlier and told their senseis what they thought the other kids were doing.) The winners and losers (and rewards and punishments) will be revealed next chapter, though if you were keeping track, you probably figured it out already.)

Kakashi:

(hinata)SPIKE THE PUNCH--X

(ino)WHENEVER ANYONE COMPLIMENTS YOU, BRAG TO THEM ABOUT YOUR KISSING JUTSUS--X

(sakura)CONVINCE SOMEONE TO STREAK--O

Asuma:

(shino)TALK ONLY ABOUT FOOD--O

(tenten)DANCE TERRIBLY TO ALL FAST SONGS--O

(kiba)HIT ON ANYONE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX YOU SEE--X

Kurenai:

(shika)DANCE WITH ANYONE WHO ASKS AND GIVE THE ONE YOU LIKE BEST A GOODNIGHT KISS--X

(choji)PLAY MATCHMAKER FOR ONE OF YOUR TEAMMATES, NOT STOPPING UNTIL YOU'VE SUCCEEDED IN SETTING THEM UP WITH SOMEONE--X

(naruto)COMPLIMENT EVERY MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX YOU SEE AND ASK THEM TO DANCE--O

Gai:

(lee)DECLARE IN FRONT OF EVERYONE YOUR SENTIMENTS OF LOVE AND ADORATION FOR THE MOST ASTONISHINGLY AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL CREATURE YOU'VE EVER LAID EYES UPON!--X

(sasuke)ASK A HANDSOME, SPIRITED YOUTH TO GO OUT ON A DATE WITH YOU BY EXPRESSING YOUR ADMIRATION FOR HIS SKILL AND BEAUTY!--O

(neji)SHOW YOUR APPRECIATION OF THIS TREMENDOUS OPPORTUNITY FOR YOUTHFUL ROMANCE BY THOROUGHLY ENJOYING YOURSELF! NO MATTER WHAT, MAKE SURE THAT EVERYONE KNOWS HOW AMAZINGLY HAPPY YOU ARE!--O


	10. Chapter 10

Operation: Genin Dance

Persepolis130

Notes: Wow, the story is drawing to a close-- only the highly inappropriate epilogue left! Damnit, how am I going to fit in all my off-color jokes?!

CHAPTER 10

Sakura walked along the trail with her hands pressed to her ears, trying her damndest to drown out the hideous clamor, as Inner Sakura spun in erratic circles and ripped out her hair.

It was bad enough that they lost the competition and were humiliated in front of all the other teams. It was even worse that they were being punished so hideously and unfairly by Kakashi-sensei. But when it came to awful things, this one might just take the cake.

"--SUCKIN' his THUMB, PEEIN' his PANTS, TRYIN' to do the HULA DANCE!!"

Sakura could see Sasuke's left eye twitching. The usually unresponsive boy had fallen into a state of glowering fury since they had begun their walk toward their fearsome, unjust punishment.

"Okay, now... oh yeah!! SASUKE and KIBA SITTIN' in a TREE, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!! FIRST comes LOVE--"

Sakura approached her scowling crush cautiously, hands still covering her ears. "We're almost there..." she said over the din, hoping this wouldn't depress him even more.

Though he was silent for a few moments, she thought she heard a growl in Sasuke's throat as Naruto finished up his maddening chant and then started again: "SASUKE and SHINO SITTIN' in a TREE--"

Was it really necessary to try out every boy's name he could think of?!

"Hey, hey, Sasuke!! How about this one!! "SASUKE and LEE SITTIN' in a TREE... hey that rhymes!! Wait, where was I...? Oh yeah! SASUKE and--"

Sakura winced and her usually calm and collected Sasuke looked about to go into spasms. Oh, make it stop, make it stop, MAKE IT STOP!!

XXXXX

"Where's my prize, where's my prize?!" Ino bounced, her skimpy yellow string bikini top holding on for dear life.

Shikamaru squinted in the bright sunlight, frowning over his Go board at the disturbingly appealing amount of delicious girl-flesh she had on display.

"Hey, Shikamaru, you want cheese on yours?" Choji asked him from behind the grill.

"Yeah, sure," he answered grumpily, watching the tee-shirt clad boy lick barbecue sauce from his fingers as he prodded random slabs of meat with his tongs.

Shikamaru hated the beach.

"But it's little. And flat..." Shikamaru heard Ino saying. He looked over to see her holding an 8x11 manila envelope.

"Just open it," their sensei told her. "I know you'll like it."

Since he was already looking in that direction anyway, Shikamaru rested his chin in his hands and watched as Ino unfastened the envelope, pulling out a large, glossy piece of paper.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! WHERE did you GET this?!"

"Oh man, I dropped the burger..." Choji lamented.

Asuma laughed, and Shikamaru squinted at Ino's paper, scowling. What could possibly be so exciting? She hadn't even squealed that loud when he'd... you know...

Catching a glimpse past Ino's bulging, heart-shaped eyes, Shikamaru swore under his breath. She was holding a picture, of course. A picture of Sasuke. A rear view.

A NAKED rear view.

Hanging his head low, Shikamaru hauled out his deepest, gloomiest scowl. Great. Just great. Ino was going to spend the rest of the day staring at photo-magic Uchiha, and he now had a visual to go with the whole hideous SasuNeji bit. How perfect.

Asuma trudged up, bare feet digging into the sand, looking pleased with the results of his "prizes." Spreading out a towel, he took a seat at the game board across from Shikamaru.

The highly displeased genin threw his sensei an annoyed look. "What, so Choji gets an all-you-can-eat barbecue on a brand-new, super-powered grill, Ino gets a fancy nudie snapshot of pretty-boy, and I get GO? How the hell is this fair?"

Asuma shrugged as he plunked down a tile.

Shikamaru sighed and took in the board as his mind began to weigh his options. Maybe this was what he needed to clear his mind of all the unnecessarily troublesome crap it had been involving itself in recently.

After all, he couldn't let rampant teenage hormones get in the way of his all-important dream of becoming an average ninja with an average house and an average family and an average wife...

Yes, a good, intriguing game of Go was exactly what he needed to get his mind off--

"Shikamaru!!" Ino beckoned suddenly, eyes still glued to her photo as she waved something at him, "Come and help me!"

Damn. "With what?"

"Put this on my back!"

"But you're way over there..." he moped.

"Nara Shikamaru!! Do you have ANY idea what sort of damage this sun will do to my creamy-white, delicate skin?!"

Shikamaru gaped in her general direction. Creamy... delicate...

Asuma nudged him. "Why don't you go help her out?"

"Huh?" He asked, looking dazedly down at the Go board. "You can't be seri-- OW!"

Picking up the bottle of sunscreen that had just hit him in the forehead, Shikamaru wondered blearily why Ino didn't use shuriken more often. Her aim was dead on.

"I'm waiting!!"

"What a pain," the boy mumbled, trying his hardest not to imagine his hands massaging Ino's tempting flesh. Talk about lost causes...

"Come on now, Shikamaru!" Asuma said with a grin, "Did you really think Go was your prize?"

"You're evil," Shikamaru pouted at his sensei as he grabbed the bottle and hauled himself, with great effort, to his feet.

"Took you long enough." Ino was lounging back in her beach chair now, admiring her pictorial soft porn. A pink flush spreading over cheekbones, her barely-covered breasts seemed to rise and fall more quickly with each breath, her long, slender white legs bent open at an angle that was just this side of... wow...

Shikamaru groaned when he realized his swim trunks didn't have pockets. What a pain in the ass this whole thing was.

He was positive that before it was all over, he was going to end up with sand in places he never even knew he had...

XXXXX

"Oh-ho! What have we here??"

"Just follow the plan." Sasuke whispered. "If we stick to the plan, everything will be fine."

"Right," said Sakura, nodding. "Keep to the plan, and it will all work out."

"Uh... I forgot the plan..." said Naruto.

Sakura smacked her overly-large, still-throbbing forehead. It was all over now...

"Eh... hello..." Sakura began with a wince, "We... uh... lost the competition, so..."

"As punishment," Sasuke continued cautiously, "Kakashi-sensei has assigned us to work with you for... the next... week..."

"Yes, as... a sort of remedial... uh... you know..." Sakura offered, glaring at Naruto, who was currently squinting at their temporary sensei. How could he have forgotten the plan?!

"Ah, so my eternal rival has conceded defeat! I am honored and flattered to have the opportunity to train you beside my own team!!" Gai-sensei declared. What a victory!! he thought, fist raised high.

"Sakura, my darling!! What magnificent news!!" Rock Lee exclaimed, copying his idol's movements.

Remembering their drunken, hideous almost-kiss, Sakura wanted to cry. Inner Sakura did.

"Kakashi-sensei probably just wanted a week off..." grumbled Sasuke.

"Oh, if only we'd gone through with the plan..." Sakura lamented.

"Hey, you can train with Neji, Sasuke!" Naruto shouted in a sudden epiphany.

"Naruto! Shut up!" hissed Sakura. That was totally NOT in the plan!!

"Excellent idea!" declared Gai with his trademark shiny smile. "We will train in pairs!"

"How did I know he was going to say that?" grumbled Sasuke, throwing Gai a scathing glare.

The expression on Neji's face made him look constipated, and Naruto eyed him curiously.

"Since Tenten isn't here, could I train with Sakura, sensei??" pleaded Lee, tears already filling his freakishly round eyes at the prospect.

"Perfect! We will each do 100 push-ups, jump rope 100 times, run 100 laps around the training grounds, and then we will spar until nightfall!!"

"YES!!" declared Lee, jumping up and down with glee at this most fortunate turn of events.

"Wait... who will Naruto train with?" Sakura asked unhappily, still mourning the loss of the plan. And where was Tenten, anyway?

"Naruto will train... with me!!" Gai declared with a flourish. "Let's begin!"

"RIGHT!!" shouted Lee.

"This is the worst day of my life," moaned Sakura.

"I can't believe this is happening," fumed Sasuke.

"Hey Sakura, what does 'gay' mean?" asked Naruto.

When her spasmodic twitching finally subsided, Sakura looked up from her place on the ground to see a starry-eyed Rock Lee bent over her, a concerned look on his face.

She sighed. It was going to be a long week...

XXXXX

Aw man, is it really over now...?! Nope. No way. We're in need of a completely gratuitous PWP epilogue in which everything is wrapped up and everyone I can think of gets it on!!


	11. Gratuitous Epilogue

Operation: Genin Dance

Persepolis130

Notes: First off, I'm pretty sure they don't have hotdogs in Konoha, so sorry about that. Also, just to remind you, this is almost total PWP smut (with everyone I could possibly include), so if you don't like the sex stuff (or want to maintain your sanity), consider the story already ended!

Okay, so I wrote two VERY similar Sasuke parts, the first of which is non-pairing, the second of which is sasuneji. So read them both for the full effect, or if you don't like the yaoi, just read the first one and leave the boy-on-boy for those of us who appreciate it. These scenes don't necessarily happen in any particular order, so don't think about it too much.

GRATUITOUS EPILOGUE

Hinata giggled as she fell back on the couch, ceiling spinning agreeably around her. Finding the key to the liquor cabinet wasn't hard for someone with a Byakugan...

"Heheh! I think you're drunk, Hinata!"

She beamed, tilting her neck tipsily up to look Naruto in the eyes. Such pretty eyes. Lifting her arms vaguely toward him, she asked, "Pull me up, Naruto-kun?"

"Hey! But there's two of you! Which one do I... whoops!"

Suddenly, Hinata felt a very heavy Naruto-kun land soundly across her chest. "Oh!" How did that happen... he was just on the floor... wasn't he?

"Hey, my insides feel silly... all wobbly and stuff..." he muttered, breath tickling Hinata's neck.

"Ah... mine too..." she admitted.

"It's sort of like yesterday or that time with the turtle..." he mused.

Hinata had no clue what he was trying to say, but did it really matter with him sprawled out on top of her like that?

"Hah! You're soft, Hinata!" he exclaimed as he poked happily at her belly.

Hinata squirmed as much as she could with a rather sizable boy atop her. Was this a blessing or a curse?

"Yup, very squishy..." Naruto told her as he moved his hand absently up her abdomen.

Fighting her instinctive urge to pass out, Hinata realized where his hand was headed and suddenly felt very warm inside. Overheating even.

"Ah! Aren't you too hot in that-- hic-- jacket, Naruto-kun?" He must be! She was dying!

"Eh? Oh... yeah, I guess..." Still sprawling over her, Naruto attempted to unzip his jacket, heavy fingers resulting only in a goodly amount of fidgeting and an even warmer Hinata.

"Hic!" hiccupped Hinata as Naruto managed to pull himself off of her and fall backward on the couch beside her.

"Stupid zipper! Stupidassdamnoldzipper..." he cursed, finally managing to work it down, discarding the garment on the floor.

"Ah... I'll-- hic!-- take mine off too..." Hinata told him, drawing the fabric around her chest over her head. Much better, she decided.

"Ha ha! Hinata, you already took yours off! That was your shirt!!'

"Oh!" she exclaimed, looking down at her lacy pink bra. Wow, she should really be embarrassed right about now!

"Hey, that's okay! I'll take mine off too!"

"O--hic--kay..." Wait, that's not right...

"Aaah!! Much better!"

Hinata gaped, pulling herself drunkenly into a vague sitting position. Oh, Naruto-kun... naked skin... mustn't... mustn't... !

"Hic!" Hinata exclaimed as she felt her fingers slide against smooth, warm skin.

"Hey, hey! Do you have the hiccups?"

"Ah..." was all she could say as she slid her hand across Naruto's stomach.

"This one time I had the hiccups for really long and they say you have to scare yourself to get rid of them so I decided to think about Sasuke naked but that really didn't work so well at all," Naruto babbled drunkenly.

"Oh," Hinata said, confused but not unhappy as she dipped her index finger into Naruto's bellybutton.

"TICKLES!!" squealed a suddenly flailing Naruto.

"Hic!" exclaimed Hinata, tumbling against the blond's torso.

When the room's spinning subsided to the accustomed amount, Hinata noticed that her cheek was pressed against Naruto's hard, sinuously muscular chest.

Oh, this was bad, she decided, tuning her mouth toward his flushing pink skin. Naughty, naughty Hinata...

XX SASUKE AND NEJI NON-PAIRING XX

"This is sick," Sasuke glowered as he drew his kunai. He'd already done 100 push-ups, jumped rope 100 times, and run 100 laps around the training grounds. And Gai-sensei was now forcing him to spar alone in the woods with Neji.

"You're out of shape," Neji told him, looking uninterestedly at the treetops.

"I am NOT. I just don't waste my energy foolishly on this sort of... CRAP!" he shouted. "Are ALL of your sensei's instructions this pointless?"

"Mostly," muttered Neji.

Sasuke fumed. "I still can't believe he wrote that mission."

"I can," said Neji, eyes following the path of a sparrow through the branches.

"Its sexual nature affronts me," Sasuke pronounced.

"You said that yesterday," Neji sighed.

"I meant it. The very thought of it... Imagine us... DATING!" Sasuke's eyes narrowed.

"Yeah, I've done that," Neji watched a falling leaf.

Sasuke scowled. "That would involve... spending time together..."

"Right," frowned Neji.

"...and holding hands, and goodnight kisses..." Sasuke continued, glowering, "and cuddling and making out and... SEX! Can you imagine US having SEX?!"

"..." was all the Hyuuga could manage, closing his eyes.

For several minutes, the two boys stood in an uneasy silence, during which time Neji glared irritably at everything but the Uchiha.

All but growling, Sasuke threw his kunai into a nearby tree trunk. Enough already, damn it! He had to do something about this!!

"Neji?" he asked.

"...yeah, Sasuke?"

"Let's kill Gai-sensei," he proposed.

Neji's eyes finally met Sasuke's, a wicked grin spreading across his lips. "I thought you'd never ask..."

XX SASUNEJI XX

"This is sick," Sasuke glowered as he drew his kunai. He'd already done 100 push-ups, jumped rope 100 times, and run 100 laps around the training grounds. And Gai-sensei was now forcing him to spar alone in the woods with Neji.

"You're out of shape," Neji told him, looking uninterestedly at the treetops.

"I am NOT. I just don't waste my energy foolishly on this sort of... CRAP!" he shouted. "Are ALL of your sensei's instructions this pointless?"

"Mostly," muttered Neji.

Sasuke fumed. "I still can't believe he wrote that mission."

"I can," said Neji, eyes following the path of a sparrow through the branches.

"Its sexual nature affronts me," Sasuke pronounced.

"You said that yesterday," Neji sighed.

"I meant it. The very thought of it... Imagine us... DATING!" Sasuke's eyes narrowed.

"Yeah, I've done that," Neji watched a falling leaf.

Sasuke scowled. "That would involve... spending time together..."

"Right," frowned Neji.

"...and holding hands, and goodnight kisses..." Sasuke continued, glowering, "and cuddling and making out and... SEX! Can you imagine US having SEX?!"

"..." was all the Hyuuga could manage, closing his eyes.

For several minutes, the two boys stood in an uneasy silence, during which time Neji glared irritably at everything but the Uchiha.

All but growling, Sasuke threw his kunai into a nearby tree trunk. Enough already, damn it! He had to do something about this!!

"Neji?" he asked.

"...yeah, Sasuke?"

"Take your pants off," he proposed.

Neji's eyes finally met Sasuke's, a wicked grin spreading across his lips. "I thought you'd never ask..."

XXXXX

Naruto giggled tipsily at the tickling against his belly. Hinata sure was funny.

Why did she have her tongue on him like that?

"Hey, do I taste good or something?" he asked her.

"Mmm..." he heard from the vicinity of his waist.

Before he knew he was saying, he asked "Hey, do I taste like ramen? I think I might because they say you are what you eat and I sure do eat a lot of ramen..."

"You taste like-- hic-- Naruto-kun," she told him, breath making funny feelings on his stomach.

"Oh." It seemed even harder to think than usual, and Naruto would have scratched his head... but his arms were so heavy... "Does that taste good?"

Not hearing an answer, he raised his head to look up with bleary eyes at Hinata, who was licking a patch of skin just above the snap on his pants.

"What're you doing, Hinata? That's kinda weird to be doing that there. Hey, why're you-- Hinata! That's naughty!"

"Ah! It's... so big!"

"Ha! Yeah, I'm pretty well-hung, huh??"

"Mmm... hic!"

"Hey, why are you putting your-- AANNGYEAGH!! Whoa shit Hinata!! What're you-- AAAAA!!"

"Naruto-kun tastes good..." she whispered.

"Wait, wait!! This is like in those pervy books Kakashi-sensei's always reading and those are bad and dirty and-- whoa, whoa, WHOA!! No, no, wait, don't touch me the-- YAAAA! Okay, touch me there, TOUCH ME THERE!!"

Warm wet soft nice...! "Ah--ah--ah--Ah--AAAAAA!!"

And as Naruto's stomach gripped, a lone thought ran though his intoxicatedly overtaxed mind:

Hey, does Hinata like me or something??

XXXXX

Sakura fumed as her foot connected with her training dummy.

Who did that Ino think she was, anyway? Calling Sakura that! Calling her a...

VIRGIN!!

Like there was something wrong with it! Just because she didn't throw herself at the first guy who came around...!

Watching Lee, who was currently raising his voice in an ear-grating battle-cry and posing flamboyantly in front of the defenseless stump he was boldly planning to pummel, Sakura realized exactly what "throwing herself at the first guy who came around" would have meant and felt a bit ill.

Of course, Ino had made it perfectly clear that she had no intention of giving up on Sasuke. Nope, no such luck. She just called the Nara "practice."

"You wouldn't take a test without studying for it, right forehead-girl?" Ino had asked her.

"Yeah," Sakura had retorted, "and I wouldn't buy a dress someone else had worn either!"

"Shows what you know! You can get them for half price at the secondhand store!" Ino had snorted.

Sakura had grinned bitterly. "So does that mean you're cheap?"

"Well, at least I'M for sale!!" Ino had shouted.

All of which had lead to a loud "Hmph!" and both girls turning on their heel and stalking away.

Sakura growled at the memory and kicked the dummy again.

As much as she hated to admit it, Ino had always been cooler than she was, always one step ahead. So if Ino said having sex was the thing to do...

Wasn't she right?

Was the reason Sasuke didn't like her because she wasn't... "for sale?" It sounded so cliché... and trashy...

And if Ino was wrong... it would be bad. Sakura took another look at Lee, who noticed her gaze and gave her a thumbs-up and a wink. Wow, those hanging eyelashes creeped her out...

Yes, if Ino was wrong, it would be very bad indeed.

Oh, but what if Ino was right...?!

"Damn iiiiiiiit!!" shrieked Inner Sakura, realizing that her physical half had already made up her mind.

Oh, this wasn't going to be pretty... Sakura decided as she marched resolutely toward the boy.

"...Sakura...?" Lee asked as he paused in his valiant stump-pummeling, eyebrows furled in perplexity.

"Close your eyes," Sakura said.

"Why...?"

"I have to see something," she told him. And if you nosebleed all over me, I'll destroy you!

"Oh... alright..." Lee did as he was asked. Anything for his Sakura! Except... "What do you have to see?"

"It's not important. And it doesn't mean anything, so don't tell anyone," she instructed.

"Is it ninja training?" he asked, feeling a bit confused. Not that he had a problem standing out in the middle of an open field under the blaring afternoon sun. No, Gai-sensei had had him do this sort of thing many times to build up his stamina.

Sometimes he'd stood on one foot, sometimes he'd balanced a scroll on his head, and other times he'd held his arms straight out while gripping twenty-pound weights. ONCE he'd even stood on one foot while balancing a scroll on his head AND holding his arms straight out while gripping twenty-pound weights! Now that was a workout!!

But he'd never done it with his eyes closed before...

"No, it's not ninja training," his angel said, seeming a bit closer to him now.

"It's not?" But what else was there...? If only Gai-sensei were here to make it all clearer!!

"I'm going to kiss you."

"Oh." Well that was alright then.

Wait a minute, did she just say--

And suddenly, he felt warm lips press against his.

Oh!!

XXXXX

I just knew this would happen, Shikamaru pouted as he dug the sand out of his ear.

"I'm cold," Ino told him.

"You're naked. What do you expect?"

"For you to get me my clothes!"

"I'm too tired."

"Oh, you're worthless!"

"That's not what you said ten minutes ago."

"It's not MY fault you do that thing with your mouth."

"Whatever."

Sighing, Ino snuggled in closer to her pouting teammate. Well, even though it was getting late, the sand was still pretty warm. She'd be alright for at least a little while...

Hearing a little grunt, she turned to Shikamaru and saw that he was moping even worse than before. Which made her feel irrationally angry. "What's your problem? How can you look like that when you just got laid, you ass?"

"I'm hungry," Shikamaru complained.

"I've still got some hotdogs left," Choji told him.

"CHOJI!?" shrieked Ino, "What are YOU still doing here?!"

"I said, 'I've still got some hotdogs left,' " he repeated, giving her an odd look. She expected him to leave the hotdogs...??

"But I'm naked!" she squealed, now searching frantically for her hastily discarded swimsuit. "And Shikamaru and I just--"

"Yeah. You want a hotdog?"

"I'll take one," said Shikamaru, lounging back nakedly in the sand.

"Oh! You perverts!!" Ino cried, diving for a nearby towel.

"Sex makes me hungry," Shikamaru scowled.

"Yeah, me too," Choji agreed. "You sure you don't want a hot dog, Ino?"

"Ooooooh!" lamented Ino, stomach growling audibly.

Choji looked pensive as his barely-covered teammate snatched up his culinary delight. Biting into one end hungrily, the juices dripping down her chin, she licked her lips with a little sigh of satisfaction.

Wow, thought Choji, I sort of liked that...

Shrugging the thought away, Choji marched the last hotdog over to the still naked, lounging Shikamaru, who looked up at his friend with a frown. "Zip your pants, Choji."

Ino's face, stuffed with hotdog, turned a sickly shade of green. She swallowed with a loud gulp. "What did you just say...?"

"Uh-oh, here we go..." Shikamaru groaned. How troublesome...

"You-you-you-- YOU!! AAAH!! How could you... OH!! Oh no no no NO!! Oh, you didn't! You DIDN'T!!"

"Man, she's loud," Shikamaru grumbled.

"What was I SUPPOSED to do...?" whispered Choji to Shikamaru as Ino continued her dramatics.

"Evidently not that," supplied the other boy, watching Ino's antics with a building sense of annoyance.

"But the Ino Team does everything together..." the chubby genin frowned.

"I think she might be drawing the line about that one..." his best friend scowled at their flailing teammate.

"But I used tongs for the hotdogs," Choji said, Ino's yelling starting to hurt his ears.

Suddenly, the girl in question was pointing a finger directly in Choji's face, the other hand valiantly attempting to hold her towel in place. "And it BETTER be a DAMN good answer, Choji!!"

Choji blinked. "...about what?" She didn't actually think he was listening, did she?

"About what the HELL you thought you were doing!!"

Looking to Shikamaru for assistance, Choji received only a muttered "you're on your own."

"Well...?!" Ino glared. "What do you call that DISGUSTING stunt you just pulled?!"

"Uh..." Choji pondered, "the Ino-Shika-Chou Maneuver...?"

XXXXX

Sakura's head spun as she felt Lee's tongue brush against her lips.

She thought she was going to pass out when he took her bottom lip gently between his teeth.

She was sure she was done for when she felt his sweet, warm tongue slide into her mouth, running itself eagerly yet tenderly against her own.

Sakura gasped. And with her eyes closed, he really seemed quite handsome!

"What the hell is going on?!" bemoaned Inner Sakura. "He totally doesn't suck at this!!"

Yes, Sakura agreed, he was clearly quite skilled! Especially when he did THAT...

"...you're a really good kisser..." Sakura breathed.

"Mmmm..." Lee sighed against her lips and pulled her gently closer, one hand softly stroking her hair.

His hard work was definitely paying off this time...

Yes, he decided, it was a good thing taijutsu wasn't the only thing Gai-sensei had trained him in!

XXXXX

"What's going on?!" Tenten asked, feeling confused and overwhelmed as Shino handed her her shoes.

"I already explained," Shino replied, unceremoniously pushing the girl out the door.

"What, the four day mating thing?? You've got to be joking!" Tenten asserted, the cement of the Aburames' front walk cold against her bare feet.

"No," Shino said, pulling the door shut.

"But I'm a GIRL! A HUMAN girl!" Tenten protested, dropping her shoes to catch the door with her hand. "It's not like I'm going to hatch a bunch of eggs or something!"

"A brood," Shino corrected, "a brood of eggs."

"Whatever! That's not going to happen with me because I'm a GIRL!" she insisted.

"..." Shino said as he set about prying her fingers from the doorjamb.

"Wait. Wait a minute! I'm not hatching eggs, right Shino?? RIGHT?!"

"Good luck," he said as he shut the door in Tenten's face.

"Oh..."

Staring blankly at the door, Tenten swallowed hard.

"Shit," she cursed,bending down slowly to pick up her shoes, "I am SO grounded..."

XXXXX

Akamaru recalled that once, when Kiba was six, he'd thrown such a tremendous fit at the market over not getting the toy he wanted that his mother had immediately dragged him home, having his father spank him so hard that he'd complained about his butt hurting for a week.

Well, Akamaru sensed another of those fits coming on...

"Everyone got some, Akamaru! EVERYONE!! Even Choji!! What the hell kind of fic is this anyway?!"

"Arf!" his pup reminded him.

"I know, I know, stop bringing it up!!"

"Arf-arf!" he exclaimed.

"Hey, I wasn't THAT drunk!!"

"Aruuuu..." Akamaru whined sadly. Maybe it was best to keep quiet about it...

"But I'm HOT, damnit!! Look at me!! Look at these pecs!! And my abs!! Just look at this muscle definition!!"

Akamaru cocked his head at the now shirtless boy. Yes, his Kiba looked like a perfect stud, as usual.

"What girl wouldn't want to go home with this?! And check it out!! What about THAT, huh?! Some girls say size doesn't matter, but we both know they're lying!"

Growling at the stupidity of the female species, Akamaru scratched his right ear. What the hell was wrong with girls, anyway?!

"And it's not like I don't know how to use it! Oh, I'm an EXPERT! You know how much I practice!!"

"Arr-arr!" Akamaru agreed enthusiastically.

"Yeah!! Every night! At least three or four times!! And then when I wake up, too! And during the morning training break! And at lunchtime! And right when I get home... if I can even wait that long...!"

Barking loudly in agreement, Akamaru jumped up to frolic around his master. There was nobody who practiced harder than Kiba!

"Damn straight!!" Kiba shouted, raising his fist in a gesture that would have made Rock Lee proud.

"I'm the hottest guy on the planet!!" Kiba paraded about his room proudly (and nakedly), occasionally pausing to do action poses in his mirror.

"Arf arf arr-arr!!"

"...so..." Kiba mused, suddenly halting his strut to scratch his head, "How come I can't seem to get any, Akamaru?"

Akamaru plopped down beside Kiba, pondering the inexplicable strangeness of human females.

If only Kiba were a dog, he would surely have humped as many legs as Akamaru had!

XXXXX

"Hey, pass me a beer, would you?"

"No problem."

"So where are your kids?"

"I sent them to train with Gai for the week. Yours?"

"Oh, about a mile down the beach. Managing teenage hormones, if you know what I mean."

"Ah."

"Yeah."

The two men sipped their beer as they lounged lazily back in their beach chairs, feet dug into the sand and afternoon sun warm on their faces.

"Best mission ever," Kakashi said.

"Damn straight," agreed Asuma.

END!!


End file.
